When it comes to the women in my family (or maybe it’s Asian culture), personal issues are supposed to remain just that – personal. It was only very recently that my mom opened up to me, sharing about the pain and loss she went through as a woman and as a mother. Things she had kept internalized for years that I never knew about. Watching her raise me and my two younger brothers, I saw firsthand being a mom isn’t easy. But what I was never really prepared for was the emotional and physical strain of trying to become a mom.
While I have all the admiration in the world for women who fight their battles quietly, I’m opening up about something very personal in this post. It’s different from the curated version of my life you usually see on my social media, but I think it’s important that we can talk about this kind of struggle without fear of stigma.
The Frustration Cycle
We all have friends who don’t want kids or who are indifferent (“If it happens, it happens”). I respect that, but I’ve always known I wanted to be a mom. Once Nick and I decided to start a family, we naively thought it would happen right away. When it didn’t after several months, I started tracking my ovulation like a hawk (I think Ovia overtook Instagram as my most-used app!) And after that, we probably tried every wives’ tale in the book – Mucinex, “special” lube, headstands. Lots and lots of headstands. You try to keep the negative thoughts from creeping into your head, but it’s hard. There’s always this whisper … maybe there’s something wrong with me.
As time went on, the pregnancy announcements that seemingly surrounded us eventually became babies and then first birthday parties. And while we were genuinely happy for our friends’ milestones, at the same time it was like a depressing re-run that I had to watch on repeat. Every cycle the same. High hopes, scheduling, timing, followed by waiting, and then frustration. And shame. And anger. And always, sadness.
Getting Tested
Earlier this year, we finally decided to see a fertility specialist and get tested. It was a few days of getting poked, prodded, and dyed, and plenty of surprise “oh, insurance doesn’t cover that part” bills. When it was over, I was almost wishing for something definitively wrong so we could just “fix” it. But our doctor told us everything looked fine, and started us down a 6-month plan of fertility treatments. Meanwhile, everyone would offer their own advice. Do acupuncture. Don’t stress. Work less. And of course that one line of advice that undoes itself as soon as it’s uttered…“Just don’t think about it.” During this time, the once innocuous question of “so when are you guys having kids?” by well-intending friends and pesky aunts became one more pill to swallow and politely smile through.
After months of the less-invasive treatments without success, the next step would be In Vitro Fertilization (IVF). A more invasive, more expensive, and even more emotionally draining procedure.
For those who aren’t familiar, the IVF process starts with a few weeks of daily self-injections into the abdomen to essentially trick your ovaries into becoming an egg factory. Your doctors monitor egg progress at the crack of dawn almost daily by drawing blood and doing vaginal ultrasounds (let’s just say, it’s not an EXTERNAL ultrasound), and then determine your injection dosages for that night. Next, surgery is performed to retrieve as many eggs as possible, which are then fertilized externally with sperm before being transferred back into the ovaries as an embryo.
However, since our tests indicated nothing was wrong, we were told our insurance would not cover IVF. And without insurance, it can become quite expensive because each cycle brings only a chance of success, and each attempt could cost upwards of $15-20k. Needless to say, at this point I’m not doing so well following the “not stressing” or “not thinking about it” advice!
An Insurance Mix-up
This August when I got my period again, I just felt empty and defeated. We made the hard decision to pay for round 1 of IVF out of pocket, and to figure out the rest as it unfolded. As a last ditch effort, I had our doctor submit the case anyway even though we were told insurance wouldn’t cover it … and we were dumbfounded by the response. Our insurance said that our test results (from over half a year ago) showed sufficient abnormalities to approve IVF coverage. Had we submitted it sooner, it would’ve been approved immediately at the time. I’ve never felt so frustrated and relieved simultaneously.
Where We’re At
Last month we officially started IVF. Probably the most emotionally loaded three letters I’ve ever typed. The fertility journey is a roller coaster, and one of the hardest parts is you never know how far along the ride you are. The ultimate unknown and worst part, is that you could go through it without success. That you do all of it for just a chance to be a mother, and you might have to do it again and again.
Throughout it all, I’ve felt ashamed and frustrated that my body couldn’t do something that a woman should be able to do. Lonely because there was no one to talk to who I felt would understand. Jealous every time there was a new pregnancy announcement, especially from those who weren’t even trying. Guilt, for even feeling that way. Left behind as I watched seemingly every friend and peer graduate onto the next chapter, wondering when it’d be our turn. And silly, knowing how many women go through years of infertility, miscarriages, and so much worse compared to me.
But sometimes, you just have to focus on what’s right in front of you. And in this case, that meant confronting the cooler full of syringes that arrived on our doorstep. As someone who turns into a 5-year old girl at the sight of needles, the daily injections and blood drawings never got easier. And then there were all the unnatural changes to my body from the hormones. The feeling of having no control over the outcome. This week, while waiting alone in pre-op before egg retrieval surgery, I was fighting nausea from the IV and felt tears start to roll down my face uncontrollably. A nurse came in and asked why I was crying, and I just couldn’t explain and didn’t want to have to explain. It was both nothing in particular and everything all at once.
Now, I’m writing this recovering on the couch, wrapped in a heating pad, awaiting news on how many embryos made it and will continue on to the next step. Infertility and IVF gets mentioned so much these days – whether it’s on TV or through a friend – it almost seems commonplace. But that shouldn’t take away from how tremendously brave and strong each woman is throughout her unique journey. It’s something we shouldn’t be afraid of talking about. Because it’s something that no one should have to take on alone.
So whether you have kids or don’t want kids; whether this topic is far off in your future or you’re in the middle of it right now – thank you for lending an ear and letting me open up.
Jean, How brave you are to share your story and soldier through this difficult time. Thank you for sharing (and so eloquently) this personal struggle, it’s a service you’re doing for other women. Good luck to you and Nick on this next stage, fingers crossed that happy news is on the way! Sending hugs and love your way.
Hi Jean,
I’ve been a religious reader of your blog for over three years now and I really enjoyed all your blog posts and fashion recommendations. Thank you for sharing your journey to becoming a mom. I’ve been through the exact same phase and had all the emotional roller coasters for three years as my husband and I tried to have our baby. Rounds and rounds of lab test and driving 20 miles to go to a Chinese doctor that prescribes bitter tea every week. Even though like you, I always knew I wanted to be a mom, at my lowest point, I was ready to give up, and just accept the fact that I will not have a kid in my life. It was a very harsh and painful sentence to accept.
For me, the reason why I wanted to have a kid was to become the mother that I’ve never had. So even tho at the moment I was not pregnant, I started reading this book call “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk ” by Adele Faber [ http://amzn.to/2ycZ9ll ]. As I read through the scenarios the moms had to encounter with their kid, I was imaging in my head interactions I had with me (imaged) kid. I was so grateful everytime the book revealed the “secret solution” to dealing with each kids’ problem, because it gave me a sense that I becoming the mother that I wanted to become.
I don’t know if you belief in metaphysics such as Law of Attractions, but that same night after I finished the last page in the book, I was pregnant and now my baby is almost one years old. When you became defeated or feeling painful, there must be some part of the day that you are not in pain or not feeling defeated, at those moments, if you can find something to appreciate, it might transfer your attention and lift your spirit. Visualizing that you are already a mother dressing your baby up for the latest fashion (which you are very good at!) will enhance your attraction to becoming pregnant.
Your future baby (babies) will be so lucky to have a mommy like you, who is sensible, fashionable, and strong! Your baby is on it’s way, share the good news with us when he/she arrives!
-Best Wishes,
Tina
ThAnk you so much for sharing. I too went through and I truly believe it will happen when the timing is right. I know exactly how you feel & felt the fact same way… we went through 2 rounds of IVf and it completely consumed us… and inflated our finance. Although it didn’t work… I then took a rest from it and after a few months we conceived on our own. And now we have a 2 & 3 year old. 😊You just never know what will happen. Stay strong and try to be open about it to friends & family … atleast that way what helped me get through the hard times. Good Luck on your journey.
Hi,
I am sorry to hear you are going through this hardship.
I went through the same thing. I had a miscarriage and had scar tissues in my right ovari which made my one of tube blocked. After two surgeries, They were able to remove most of the scar tissues but the tube is still blocked. We’ve been going to the fertility clinic and been on fertility drugs for 6months. And still nothing. The doctor said it will be hardfor us to conceive naturally because of that blocked tube. So we decided to do IVF. The whole process is not easy, timeless hours spent in the doctor’s office waiting, doing blood tests, ultrasounds, taking injections and drugs. Then came the big day for retrieval. I could still recall how painful and uncomfortable the surgery is. Nor how nauseous I was during and after recovery. Few days later, I was excited and pumped to get ready for my transfer. I received a phone call from the nurse, she told me that my appointment has been cancelled. They told me my embryo had stopped growing on day 4. As soon as I hung up, I bursted into tears and cried for hours. I don’t know how and why? I felt like im the unluckiest person in the whole world. I don’t knos if I will ever become a mom. This September me and my husband decided to take a break from trying. So, we went on a vacation to get away, away from the stress and pain we were facing. At this point I don’t know what’s next for us. But I am not ready to give up, not yet. I will continue to try and try till I want to. I believe there will be hope for us all. I am glad you opened up to your readers. I want to Thank you for this opportunity to allow me to share my story here as well.
Please be brave and don’t lose hope. I wish you the best of luck on your journey.
Praying for you and Nick! It must be more than hard to open up to write up this blog. Am sure your little angels are waiting in line to pick their perfect parents of theirs. Hope to hear some good news from you guys very soon.
I have been a long time reader of your blog, because you dress so fashionably. Thank you for sharing this personal post. I would like to give unsolicited more advice: each individual has their own trajectory and timeline with their partner. Once you have a child, everyone will ask when will you have the next one, because they don’t believe it’s ‘healthy’ or ‘normal’ to only have one child. It’s not worth catering to others’ needs. Enjoy your time together. Usually couples become pregnant unexpectedly. Let me know if you need an ear. I’ve worked as a registered nurse for over ten years, especially in labor and delivery. Fertility issues are challenging.
Hi Jean, Thank you for sharing your story. It is uniquely yours and an incredible gift to your readers. I love following your feed – you are a woman of grace and elegance <3 I wish you endless love and strength as you continue on your journey. You are so beautiful, inside and out! Best wishes to you and your hubby! XO
Saw the IG story and congrats on 21 eggs!
I think women need to be open about all aspects of adding a child to the family – miscarriage, infertility, difficult pregnancies, and adoption.
Since I’m 40, I see things a little differently than someone younger, and it personally makes me sad to see all the children desperately hoping for a good home while some couples obsess with having a biological child at all costs. There’s nothing wrong with wanting a child of your own blood, but there’s also something amazing about choosing a child to add to your family, and I think the latter gets lost a bit in these kinds of talks. Especially with women 40 and above, that time and treasure spent on that tiny chance of a healthy pregnancy could also give them a child they could hold today that’s just as eager to have a mom and dad.
Jean – Thank you so much for baring your soul. I’m also Asian American and was told by family members that it was not okay to put my “diary” (blog) for real world to read. But the courage you took to share your struggles will help others who are experiencing similar pain. Sending love from the SF Bay.
Thank you for being brave and talking about your struggle. Sending you love!
I just went through that. I cried on the hospital bed while I was still wobbly after the egg-retrieval procedure because I was told only 5 eggs were retrieved. Apparently, my ovaries did not respond well to the medications. I did not have that bloat as you shown in the last picture, at least the bloat was a good sign. Now I only have 2 embryos that are still alive after the 5th days. They are undergoing genetic testings now. It’s gonna be a few weeks wait before getting the result. All the best Jean!
You are so wonderfully beautiful, Jean, outside AND inside!! Thoughts and prayers are with you and nick. I can’t relate and feel so frustrated that my hubby and I weren’t “trying”, and so many beautiful, wonderful women like you try so hard and long for it so badly. Hang in there, and just know that so many of us are cheering you on!
Thank you for sharing. You hit the nail on the head with your first two paragraphs. I can only imagine what you are going through and I’m sure it’s very tough to share this with us. I hope you don’t mind me giving you some advice …I’m a Mom and had a fairshare of some hardships and from experience I’m going to say don’t compare yourself to your peers or friends. Everyone has their own journey and this is yours and Nick’s. You are doing things to improve the situation and with prayers and positive thoughts i know you will be a Mom one day. Tough times don’t last and my best way to get through them is through prayer and a wonderful support system. (which is so evident by all these wonderful comments) I’m cheering you on. Wishing you all the best and when the timing is right believe it will happen.
I just finished reading and my heart goes out to you and your husband. I pray that your treatment works. Never forget how strong your are. Sharing your story shows strength, courage and love.
Jean, I think you’re even more beautiful now than ever. Thank you for sharing your journey with us and for modeling how to be courageously vulnerable. You continue to inspire 🙂
Wishing you and Nick the best of luck and looking forward to your updates.
Jean,
Acupuncture does work, but make sure you have a good one who also knows herbs. Four ladies got pregnant where I go for acupuncture, and one with twins, but she was also seeing a fertility doctor along with acupuncture. If you get a chance check Jen Ross on Pretty Neat Living Blog. Jen did acupuncture and she had a baby girl who is now almost two in December and is expecting a baby boy in February 2018. Jen also has some good tips on ovulation, etc.
Been following your blog for a while and never posted. Today though I had to : thank you for your courage in posting such a personal journey and struggle. Those of us who have tried and tried again know at least some of what you are going through. I so admire your strength and will keep you in thoughts and prayers. Wishing you the very best and hope your wish to be one a mom is right around the corner. Stay strong
Jean my heart goes out to you. I’m not a Mom but can relate to the deep desire to be one. I pray that you and Nick are given your hearts’ desire with a healthy baby or two. I have two friends here in San Diego who were on a similar journey and I’m happy to tell you that one has healthy triplets and one has healthy twins…after several rounds of IVF each. Hang in there! We’re all routing for you. 🙂
Jean, I teared up reading it. I think you’re so brave for sharing your journey. I’ve followed you for years and love reading your blog and also your style. I hope you & Nick will receive some positive news soon!
Thank you for your brave and honest post. My husband and I have done two rounds of IVF and bracing ourselves for a third try. Even though I don’t wish this struggle on anyone, reading your words comforted me. Thank you for reminding me that I’m not the only one going through this. I wish you and Nick the best in your journey. Sending you lots of luck love and joy.
You are so brave to share your story. And you are definitely not alone in this journey, although it can often feel that way. These days, so much is about instant gratification – if you want something, you can buy it online right away, download it, find it in the shop. Unfortunately, this is not always the case when you want to have a baby, and the frustration of not being able to conceive can be so distracting and depressing. But there are so many happy endings for people who go down the IVF route and I wish you and Nick a quick and happy journey. You are one of my favourite bloggers and I hope you will never stop blogging and never stop smiling 🙂
Thank you for sharing your story, Jean. I’m currently on year two of trying to conceive. I’m 30 and Korean and have had two healthy children with no issues before. So far, I’ve gotten similar responses from my doctor. Everything seems to be fine. I was wondering how you decided to go with IVF. I feel like that’s where we’re headed, but I’ve heard there are other options too. Just wondering how you finally decided. I’m wishing you the best possible result from your surgery ❤️
Thank you so much for sharing! I felt myself nodding my head to every word. My husband and I have been trying for almost two years and it is the loneliest and most trying thing I’ve ever been through. By sharing your story you’re helping so many women understand what it is like and also helping those going through the process not feel so alone. Good luck to you and your husband! Sending lots of positive thoughts your way!
Just found your blog and will be following. Just wanted to leave a comment on how brave I think you are and that I am praying that this process works for you. While I have never been in this situation lately i have know quite a few women who have gone through IVF. Have faith and I am sure it will work…
Jean, I’ve been following you for many years and am a fan of your content (recipes, travel and fashion posts – they are all wonderful!) and also your personal story, which you’ve shared in bits and pieces. Thank you for sharing this piece of your life – you owe an explanation to no one, but sharing this will help many people feel less alone in their journey (and for those like me who don’t necessarily want kids, it helps us develop empathy for those that choose to undergo IVF). Wishing you the best of luck!
As a 38yr old single female, I wanted to be a mom since a kid. However there’s not even prospect of a guy on the horizon yet, and I didn’t want to just get with any guy just so I can fulfill the dream of being a mom. Those bitter sweet moments of prepping for married friends’ baby showers are really hard. Hopefully your round of IVF can become fruitful. God bless you and Nick. ❤️
Thank you for sharing this. My husband and were in a similar situation, but we’re a bit older than you. We ended up trying Chinese medicine to regulate the hormones and it took about 6 months, but I now have a 4 year old daughter (she likes looking at your blog pictures!). Stay strong and best wishes!
Thank you for sharing such a personal and moving story! I am Asian as well and understand your hesitations to share at first but so happy you shared this! I have had many friends go through this – sure you know there are success stories, some turned to adoption, some with twins, baby after several attempts, etc. I am by no means knowledgeable in any way in this area but some of my friends tried naprotechnology and after years of infertility, it worked for some! http://www.naprotechnology.com/ Not many know about it- just thought to share it although you may already know about it.
Hey Jean,
Thanks for sharing your story. I can’t even imagine what you’re going through right now but I’m sending positive vibes your way 💓 and have my fingers crossed the IVF works. Stay strong!
x Sabrina
mymiaou.com
Jean, I’ve been reading your blog weekly for 6 (!!!) years now. I don’t have enough kind words for you, but today I just want to let you know I cried reading about your struggle and I’m wishing you ALL the best in the world. The fact that you’ve invested so much heart, time, and money into having a child proves how great you’ll be as a mother. Love and peace to you.
You both seem like such amazing, loving, caring people and I have enjoyed seeing your journey through this blog. Best wishes that you will get through this time as quickly and painlessly as possible. We are all rooting for you!!
Thank you for your honesty and transparency! I am blessed to be an IVF mama, so I know exactly what you’re going through. I will be praying for you and Nick, and I can’t wait to celebrate with you when your little one is born.
You are so brave for sharing your story. I have also struggled with infertility and underwent IVF last year and paid out of pocket. After genetic testing we had only one normal embryo and I gave birth to my beautiful daughter in May. It is such an emotional journey that no one really understands unless they’ve gone through it. You are not alone, there are so many of us that struggle in silence. I wish the best for you and pray that you get good news soon!
You are so brave! Thank you so much for sharing your journey. I too am going through this as well. I will be doing my first IUI on my next cycle.
A friend of mine that went through this horrible infertility journey told me that God doesn’t put desires in your heart that he doesn’t plan on fulfilling. Those words have me so much hope!
Best wishes and prayers for you and your family!
Hum just when you think your life is miserable God shows you someone else’s sufferings. Let me tell you will conceive cause God wants that for you. Please take heart and be at peace. LIFE will be carried in your belly. You are strong and your journey will help other to remain strong. Take heart
Hi, Jean.
Thank you so so so much for sharing this. This is such a now moment for me, and being able to know someone else is there with you makes a huge difference. I can totally relate to almost everything you wrote today, and we too are waiting. I admire your strength and am so thankful for your courage to write on this.
Best wishes,
Shari ❤️
About 7 years ago, I could have written this exact post. I completely understand all your mixed up feelings especially re: family and friends pregnancies. We chose to do IVF only once and unfortunately we did not get pregnant. After that, we took some time off and then about a year later, started the adoption process. We are actually leaving tomorrow to go to China to pick up our second son (our first is also adopted from China)! After our failed IVF, I came to terms with the fact that I may not ever have kids. Now, just a few years later, I am about to become a mom of 2! Just wanted to encourage you that no matter the outcome of this IVF cycle, there is hope through continued fertility treatments or adoption.
Hi Jen, Thank you for sharing this post. I did not go through IVF but my husband and I was a carrier for a genetic defects and the first thing the doctor told us was to get IVF. They did not give us any options on what we could and should do. When i called the IVF center all they wanted was to pump stuff in me and get this process going-even though we haven’t made decision yet. We then got pregnant naturally and everything is ok-it turned out even if we went the IVF route it’s still not guaranteed. I wish you the best in everything. Hang in there
Hi Jean!
Everything you wrote from tracking ovulation to all the surrounding pregnancy announcements to the feelings of shame and frustration were exactly the sentiments and thoughts that I felt and am still currently feeling. My husband and I also took multiple fertility tests (which all came out normal) and had to deal with insurance nightmares as well. It was surprising to read how similar a stranger’s situation could be to ours and to read how eloquently you described your feelings which mirrored mine.
I greatly appreciated this post and hope you continue to share with your readers whatever you feel comfortable sharing. My husband and I have been trying for 3 years and have experienced multiple miscarriages, but we weren’t sure if IVF was for us. I read your post out loud to my husband and it helped shed some light on the process even though we currently have a few friends who are going through IVF. Much luck to us both and all the other strong, struggling women out there! <3
Jean, thank you for sharing. My husband and I have been trying as well and I always feel depress when results come back negative. It really helps to know someone out there feels the same and is going through the same emotional roller coaster.
I wish you guys luck with IVF!
Oh thank you so much for sharing this. It’s every bit as important to share our struggles as it is to share our gifts and talents. For me, it’s been a challenge to reflect an authentic version of myself over social media. I’ve always felt pressure to put forth a positive cheery image, even during college when my parents were going through a divorce. It was so brave of you to share this with your readers. This post makes me personally feel more empowered to share a more honest version of myself.
I am not sure if you consider yourself a role model, but it occurred to me that you’re definitely modeling how to share on social media with your readers. In general I look up to not just your fashion sense but also your valued relationships with family, active social life, and taste for adventures.
I am sorry to hear about the pain you’re feeling as you go through this medical struggle. I wish you all the best and hope that you can find peace with both the outcome and the journey.
Thank you for sharing your story. I wish you all the best in your journey to become a mother.
Sending so much love (and hopefully a little luck) your way. It isn’t easy to be honest or open up to strangers. Your strength is admired.
Jean, even though I found your blog a few years ago I have gone back to the way beginning and can honestly say that I’ve read every post of yours. You and Nick are such heart-warming people, I follow both of you on Instagram too and I always joke when I’m in Boston, “What if I meet my idol, Jean!?” Sending prayers and love to you two. Thank you for being so vulnerable and honest, as you always are. You are strong and this community loves you.
my dear sweet brave Jean–we hold you in our arms and prayers, and hope that you conceive (twins!) quickly and easily after all you have been through. You are in one of the best medical cities in the world, and fingers crossed for you and Nick. Thank you for your bravery and honesty amidst a community of bloggers who hesitate to be real and forthcoming.
Dear Jean
I have been following your blog for 5 years and counting. I love reading about everything you share. This has been very personal, and so real. Wishing you and Nick lots of good wishes and love.. Praying for you both to have a blessed, happy life.
Dear Jean, Thank you for sharing such a personal thing. I have loved your blog & like many others, felt like you were a girlfriend. I also struggled with infertility & it took two years of holistic treatments to get pregnant. I now have an amazing 9 year old (the time flies!) and would encourage you to supplement the IVF with acupuncture & herbal medicine. Good luck and may you have peace in your heart as you & Nick continue this journey.
I admire your openness and courage to share. I went through IVF last year and we had a beautiful baby boy as a result 4 months ago. This will all be soooo worth it. You are strong. You got this!!!
I really appreciate you sharing this, especially the part where even in your own family, certain things aren’t discussed. I’m glad we’re becoming more open with each other as women and learning that we aren’t usually alone in the struggles we face. I hope you and Nick will have a short road to walk with this one and that you’ll be blessed with a little one soon.
❤❤❤sending you all the positive thoughts and thank you for sharing your experience.