When it comes to the women in my family (or maybe it’s Asian culture), personal issues are supposed to remain just that – personal. It was only very recently that my mom opened up to me, sharing about the pain and loss she went through as a woman and as a mother. Things she had kept internalized for years that I never knew about. Watching her raise me and my two younger brothers, I saw firsthand being a mom isn’t easy. But what I was never really prepared for was the emotional and physical strain of trying to become a mom.
While I have all the admiration in the world for women who fight their battles quietly, I’m opening up about something very personal in this post. It’s different from the curated version of my life you usually see on my social media, but I think it’s important that we can talk about this kind of struggle without fear of stigma.
The Frustration Cycle
We all have friends who don’t want kids or who are indifferent (“If it happens, it happens”). I respect that, but I’ve always known I wanted to be a mom. Once Nick and I decided to start a family, we naively thought it would happen right away. When it didn’t after several months, I started tracking my ovulation like a hawk (I think Ovia overtook Instagram as my most-used app!) And after that, we probably tried every wives’ tale in the book – Mucinex, “special” lube, headstands. Lots and lots of headstands. You try to keep the negative thoughts from creeping into your head, but it’s hard. There’s always this whisper … maybe there’s something wrong with me.
As time went on, the pregnancy announcements that seemingly surrounded us eventually became babies and then first birthday parties. And while we were genuinely happy for our friends’ milestones, at the same time it was like a depressing re-run that I had to watch on repeat. Every cycle the same. High hopes, scheduling, timing, followed by waiting, and then frustration. And shame. And anger. And always, sadness.
Getting Tested
Earlier this year, we finally decided to see a fertility specialist and get tested. It was a few days of getting poked, prodded, and dyed, and plenty of surprise “oh, insurance doesn’t cover that part” bills. When it was over, I was almost wishing for something definitively wrong so we could just “fix” it. But our doctor told us everything looked fine, and started us down a 6-month plan of fertility treatments. Meanwhile, everyone would offer their own advice. Do acupuncture. Don’t stress. Work less. And of course that one line of advice that undoes itself as soon as it’s uttered…“Just don’t think about it.” During this time, the once innocuous question of “so when are you guys having kids?” by well-intending friends and pesky aunts became one more pill to swallow and politely smile through.
After months of the less-invasive treatments without success, the next step would be In Vitro Fertilization (IVF). A more invasive, more expensive, and even more emotionally draining procedure.
For those who aren’t familiar, the IVF process starts with a few weeks of daily self-injections into the abdomen to essentially trick your ovaries into becoming an egg factory. Your doctors monitor egg progress at the crack of dawn almost daily by drawing blood and doing vaginal ultrasounds (let’s just say, it’s not an EXTERNAL ultrasound), and then determine your injection dosages for that night. Next, surgery is performed to retrieve as many eggs as possible, which are then fertilized externally with sperm before being transferred back into the ovaries as an embryo.
However, since our tests indicated nothing was wrong, we were told our insurance would not cover IVF. And without insurance, it can become quite expensive because each cycle brings only a chance of success, and each attempt could cost upwards of $15-20k. Needless to say, at this point I’m not doing so well following the “not stressing” or “not thinking about it” advice!
An Insurance Mix-up
This August when I got my period again, I just felt empty and defeated. We made the hard decision to pay for round 1 of IVF out of pocket, and to figure out the rest as it unfolded. As a last ditch effort, I had our doctor submit the case anyway even though we were told insurance wouldn’t cover it … and we were dumbfounded by the response. Our insurance said that our test results (from over half a year ago) showed sufficient abnormalities to approve IVF coverage. Had we submitted it sooner, it would’ve been approved immediately at the time. I’ve never felt so frustrated and relieved simultaneously.
Where We’re At
Last month we officially started IVF. Probably the most emotionally loaded three letters I’ve ever typed. The fertility journey is a roller coaster, and one of the hardest parts is you never know how far along the ride you are. The ultimate unknown and worst part, is that you could go through it without success. That you do all of it for just a chance to be a mother, and you might have to do it again and again.
Throughout it all, I’ve felt ashamed and frustrated that my body couldn’t do something that a woman should be able to do. Lonely because there was no one to talk to who I felt would understand. Jealous every time there was a new pregnancy announcement, especially from those who weren’t even trying. Guilt, for even feeling that way. Left behind as I watched seemingly every friend and peer graduate onto the next chapter, wondering when it’d be our turn. And silly, knowing how many women go through years of infertility, miscarriages, and so much worse compared to me.
But sometimes, you just have to focus on what’s right in front of you. And in this case, that meant confronting the cooler full of syringes that arrived on our doorstep. As someone who turns into a 5-year old girl at the sight of needles, the daily injections and blood drawings never got easier. And then there were all the unnatural changes to my body from the hormones. The feeling of having no control over the outcome. This week, while waiting alone in pre-op before egg retrieval surgery, I was fighting nausea from the IV and felt tears start to roll down my face uncontrollably. A nurse came in and asked why I was crying, and I just couldn’t explain and didn’t want to have to explain. It was both nothing in particular and everything all at once.
Now, I’m writing this recovering on the couch, wrapped in a heating pad, awaiting news on how many embryos made it and will continue on to the next step. Infertility and IVF gets mentioned so much these days – whether it’s on TV or through a friend – it almost seems commonplace. But that shouldn’t take away from how tremendously brave and strong each woman is throughout her unique journey. It’s something we shouldn’t be afraid of talking about. Because it’s something that no one should have to take on alone.
So whether you have kids or don’t want kids; whether this topic is far off in your future or you’re in the middle of it right now – thank you for lending an ear and letting me open up.
Add to my last comment. My last ivf cycle was successful, after 5 years of trying I got pregnant last September, now my baby boy is 5 months old, his name is Chace.
Thank you for sharing your journey, You are so brave and I hope that this process works out smoothly. Awaiting good news! You will be an amazing mom!
I have followed your blog for a while now, but have never commented. Your post today, however, brought tears to my eyes. This month is my first IVF cycle , and it has been a very hard, and painful process to get here. I don’t know how much longer the road ahead will be for me, or you, but we are stronger than we know. Somehow, we will survive. I wish you the best, and thank you for having the courage to tell your story.
I have been through 5 years of infertility, one miscarriage and 5 rounds of IVF. I once wrote a bible long article on sharing my journey in an IVF community. I have gone through everything you have gone through and you are going through. Hope everything goes well for you 🤗 and of it doesn’t, don’t stress out. Just try three months prior to the next IVF cycle: 1. Jogging for metabolism (three times a week ) 2. Acupuncture (both u and ur hubby for vitality) 3. Chinese herbal medicine to make your cycle 28-30 days spot on. 4. Some good quality s*x (not for the sake of baby making) for good hormones. Last but not least, forget about bed rest, pro fertility diet etc… just do whatever you want to do and the magic will happen.
Thank you for being so open about this topic <3 Best of luck.
Be brave and stay strong! 💜
You couldn’t have written anything more close to my heart. I literally had my egg retrieval today and am experiencing all the same feelings. Good luck on your journey and may we both have good news!!!!
Thank you for opening up about such a personal topic, Jean. I’m so sorry to hear that you and Nick are going through this process, and I just want to offer some words of comfort and encouragement. Sending lots of love and prayers to the both of you.
Sending you tons of love and prayers from Texas. Thank you for sharing this piece of your life with us. It is incredibly important.
Dear Jean –
What an awful and trying journey this has been so far. It takes a brave person to bare their soul and struggles as you just did. Wishing you and your family the best. Hang in there!
Thank you for sharing your story with so many others. Struggles in Chinese culture are often silent. Keep digging deep when the day is tough. I believe that things always happen for a reason. I hope everything works out for you both.
It goes without saying that your blog is beautiful and exquisitely curated and the reason I read it. That said, to me, this is one of your most influential posts. As a physician and someone who has had multiple friends in their early and later 30s go through IVF, I just wanted to say I think it is wonderful you are using your voice to talk about this thing that so many women are doing, but feel a stigma against. The more we can normalize it, the better. I wish you good luck on this journey — and with all the hot flashes! Thanks for putting yourself out there in this way — and of course for your every day eye candy gorgeous and clever fashion and lifestyle posts! If only I could have even a fraction of your fashion sense, style, and energy, how fabulous I would look! All the best to you —
Thank you for sharing your journey with all of us. I’m in the same situation… my husband and I have been trying for almost 2 years without success. I’ve had blood tests, ultrasounds, and just recently had a procedure (D&C) to remove a polyp. The feeling of seeing everyone around you get pregnant one after another… literally hurts my heart but at the same time I’m also so happy for them. I’m not sure if we’ll go down the IVF path, but I guess we’ll see when we get there. Wishing you and Nick all the best!
What a beautiful post, so open, honest and brave. Thank you for sharing your story. I was about 33 when I went to go see a fertility doctor about egg freezing as I had just gotten divorced. After undergoing testing I was told that I had dimished ovarisn reserve (DOR) ie low numbers of follicles and hormone levels for someone my age. I was devastated because the doctor made it sound like I may never have a biological child. I got remarried one year ago and my husband and I are now going through IVF. It’s definitely been an emotional roller coaster but I’m trying to have faith and stay positive…
Wow. This is a very deep sharing. I’m so needing to give you a pat on the back for your continuous effort. So many people take a new life for granted. I’m happy there’s people like you who value adding life to their family and knowing how much joy it is to have one. I hope you all the best. Thanks so much for being so transparent with us!
This post really hits hard on me. I certainly cannot relate to this completely but I am surrounded with friends and family member who share their struggles to conceiving.
I have friends who found out that they have PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome), a condition many women are unaware about & take very lightly of. However, it can be treated & many have had children after treatment despite the struggle =)
On the other hand, my sister and her hubs decided to see a fertility specialist and get tested and the result was that, everything was fine. However, I am not sure why it never occured to them to get a second opinion. They put family planning on hold & went on to start a business. Life was pretty much a rollercoaster of emotions especially while trying to run a young company & the fast paced lifestyle took a toll on their couple time & their health. They too encountered embarassing moments having to answer the inevitable, “when are you having kids” question fired by relatives & friends during family/ friends reunions . However, they stand strong together through thick and thin and are happily married with kids albeit not their own (their business is a preschool).
I just want you, Jean, or any other women out there to know that not having kids does not make you any less of a person. So stay positive and & know that you are blessed to be surrounded by your loved ones. You’re such an inspiring & brave soul for doing this! Hang on there and don’t lose faith because God works in the most marvellous ways we can never comprehend.
On another note, its astounding how so many of us are going through the same struggle and yet there’s so little support or talk about infertility. I’m so moved by the sharing & testimonies (so many brave hears out there!) by your readers.
My coworker is going through this right now, but I didn’t quite understand all of the emotions behind it. Thank you for sharing your story so I can have empathy and compassion….and understanding.
Thank you for sharing your story with all of us – I think it’s so important for women (and men) to know it’s okay to talk about their struggles. Your courage to share the process as you’re experiencing it is so admirable, inspiring and encouraging. I appreciate this post so much and for many reasons. I hope the love and encouragement you & Nick receive from your followers helps boost you up when you’re feeling extra tired. You both have a village behind you 🙂
Thank you so much for sharing. Nervously awaiting the results of our last round of IUI. It is so good to know we’re not alone.
Jean, You’re an inspiration. Thank you for sharing. My sister and her husband faced many of the same struggles and today she has 7 month old twin boys! Your miracle will come.
xo
Thank you for being brave in sharing your experience! After a year of unsuccessful trying, my husband and I decided to see an fertility specialist and I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. We are now starting the process prior to IVF but if it doesn’t work then we may be on to IVF next. Even though it’s early on in the process it’s been so hard seeing everyone around me getting pregnant or with young children. Literally, EVERYONE around me. My coworkers, friends and neighbors. So I truly appreciate you sharing your experience because I can relate to those feelings of envy, sadness, frustration and hopefulness. And I know what it’s like to wonder how to successfully relax and not think about it when it’s all you can think about. Wishing you the best in your journey!!!
Jean, you are so brave and courageous. You are so blessed to have such an amazing and supportive husband to be you pillar of strength through such a difficult time. Blessings come in seasons. Sending warm hugs and prayers that this journey will harvest you the family you seek.
-K
You are such a beautiful person on the inside as well as the outside. I’m sending you positive thoughts and lots of good wishes. Thank you for sharing your journey with your readers.
That was very brave of you to share! I wish you all the best! Sending positive energy your way!
Every time my husband and I decided to take a break from trying to get pregnant, I was pregnant. You just never know. It will happen.
You are a brave brave woman and I wish you best of luck with the FT. I’ve been following your blog for years and have never commented before. As a mom or a 2 year old boy and another boy coming in January I have literally been coming to your blog with hopes of you being pregnant and scooping some mom fashion advice. This post really shook me up and my heart breaks for what you have had to endure. Sending you all the best wishes possible and keeping my fingers crossed. Stay strong.
Thank you for sharing your journey. Wishing you all the best!
As I’m holding my youngest and reading your journey I’ve never felt more lucky. I truly believe that good things happen to good people. You and Nick will be blessed with a rainbow baby soon and he/she will be so blessed to have you as parents. Sending you both many prayers, love and good vibes. <3
Thanks Jean for sharing this. It’s really perfect timing, because I’m starting the shots tomorrow and I’m scared to death. I’m only freezing my eggs, because I’m in my late 30s and had very bad luck in love. So after my doctor recommendation, I’m doing it now.
I had never thought I would have to go through it. And doing it alone is really though, even though is not the whole process. But a lot of emotions amd sadness.
So I wish you guys good luck. Crossing my fingers for you and hoping that you’re doing better now. Thank you so much for your post
Thank you for sharing this. There are many women in my life who have struggled with infertility. It is a hard journey. Some of the most beautiful stories that I got to watch unfold were families who chose adoption as an alternative. Adoption was an answered prayer for both the families and the kids who finally had a home. Good luck, Jean. I sincerely hope that you will have a child soon either way.
Hi Jean, I have been a long time follower of yours and never posted a comment, although I have admired your sense of style for years. Today, I just could not pass without leaving you a note. Thank you for opening up and sharing your experience on such hard topic. I will send you & your husband good vibes for some very happy news in the near future. Stay positive.
Dear Jean, thank you for opening up and sharing on such a difficult topic. Infertility is something that I would never wish on my worst enemy – the loneliness, the frustration, the physical and emotional toll that you described so well.
Are you (and Nick) getting the psychological support that you need?
Be gentle with yourself. Know that you are not alone. Sending you lots of love and warmest thoughts. xoxoxo
Thank you so much for sharing your journey. Sending good thoughts and wishing you the very best!
Much love and support to you and your husband. Longtime fan of your blog and am wishing you well on your journey.
Dear Jean,
A baby made by Jean and Nick would be a wonderful baby! Thank you for sharing your real
life. This reader appreciates you and all you contribute to my petite world. I prayed today that you would have the desire of your heart.
May I share with you that I struggled to get pregnant for a time? My mother and grandmother advised me that I was too thin and they were right. The body I maintained so carefully needed fat to build hormones and fat storage for the baby. Since then I have read the book Nourishing Traditions and have learned a lot about the nutrition women need to be mothers. We don’t talk about that much in our culture, but I mention it here in case it can help someone else as it helped me. You are courageous, Jean, and your child will be blessed by your courage and desire to be a mother. God be with you.
Jean, you are so brave for sharing what you and Nick are going through. People and the media talk about IVF in passing a lot and the bit that isn’t highlighted enough or at all is the process. It’s not just about the money. It’s not a walk in the park. On top of all that, it’s not fool-proof. So I thank you for educating all of us, me included.
I am rooting for you both and hope a miracle baby is in the works. Sending you lots of positivity and love!
Thinking of you both and hoping for the best!
Thanks for opening up for your story. It is very touching! Hope for the best! I am sure you will be a great mum.
Thank you very much for sharing all of this with us. I am going through and trying everything you are feeling and doing right now. Everything will be fine! Looking forward to hearing GOOD news from both of us!!!
Hi Jean,
The fact that you shared such a personal experience itself shows how strong you are! Every person goes through their share of ups & downs. Its all about staying positive, having faith & being strong. I’m sure you already have all these qualities. Never let anything make you feel otherwise.
Stay blessed!
Thank you for sharing your story! I have been in your shoes and literally today my husband and I are celebrating one year ago bringing our twin baby girls home from the hospital! We were on a similar journey for four years. It will happen….I firmly believe that if you KNOW you are meant to be a mother….you WILL be! Somehow, some way…it will happen. I am thinking of you all the way from CO and wishing positive results soon! Hang in there!
You are so brave to share this very personal very difficult experience with the world. Thank you for putting in into words in a way I could not. After trying for four years to get pregnant my husband and I also went through the testing, the noninvasive and then the IVF this summer. Everything you’re feeling, physically and emotionally, know that there are others out here that have been through it too. Go easy on yourself. You’re allowed to feel jealous, guilty, sad, silly. You are going through an incredibly trying thing. Hang in there lady!
You are so incredibly brave to share your story! I sincerely hope that a baby happens for you and Nick. Stay strong!!!
I wish I were as brave a you to make it known what I have gone through. I have kept my struggles so private. The emotional rollercoaster is difficult to describe. After years of trying I have only known failure. I am one week after my second miscarriage. Still coping. My days of trying are over. All the sadder. It is comforting to know that others share similar difficulties but hearing of others “happy ending” is not easy right now.
Thank you so much for sharing. It can’t have been easy for you to write this post. As a fellow Chinese American woman I know how our moms and aunts do not talk about things like this. My mom had a miscarriage before I was born and when she finally told me (I was 26) she made it seem like no big deal. Thank you for your bravery in opening up. I agree it is so important for women to be able to support each other and not feel alone. I love your blog and have been reading for a few years now. I pray you will get pregnant. My husband and I are also ready for kids, but due to my recent lupus diagnosis my doctors told me to not get pregnant while I am on a lot of medications. All our friends are also getting pregnant so I understand the mixed joy and sadness. Hang in there!!
Thank you for sharing such a personal and emotional journey …one that is so hard to talk about.
My husband and I have been trying for over a year now and have had 2 miscarriages. Its a struggle thay so many people go through and not enough talk about. I feel that everyone around me is either getting pregnant and having a baby and it makes every month that goes by harder and harder. While I don’t know the experience of IVF, I understand the emotional rollercoaster.
I truly wish you a happy ending and success with this IVF treatment.
I’ve followed you for years and have always loved your honesty and grace. Sending you so much love and support in this really difficult time. Thank you for sharing!
Jean, thank you so much for sharing your story. We’ve been trying for almost two years, and we found out several months ago that I have stage 4 endometriosis. Your story touched me and put into words many of my thoughts and feelings. You reminded me that we’re not alone and encouraged me to be more open about my feelings. Thank you, Jean! I am praying for you and Nick.
Thank you so much for this post, for helping normalize something taboo that is so important and emotional to those of us going through it. Best wishes to you and Nick.
Thank you for sharing your story. I can’t imagine it was easy to open up like this. I’m wishing you all the best and sending love your way.
Jean, thank you SO much for posting this. Although my husband and I aren’t quite at the point of IVF, your description of the journey is SO SO SO on point; I could have written it myself. Wishing you a successful end to your journey ❤️