When it comes to the women in my family (or maybe it’s Asian culture), personal issues are supposed to remain just that – personal. It was only very recently that my mom opened up to me, sharing about the pain and loss she went through as a woman and as a mother. Things she had kept internalized for years that I never knew about. Watching her raise me and my two younger brothers, I saw firsthand being a mom isn’t easy. But what I was never really prepared for was the emotional and physical strain of trying to become a mom.
While I have all the admiration in the world for women who fight their battles quietly, I’m opening up about something very personal in this post. It’s different from the curated version of my life you usually see on my social media, but I think it’s important that we can talk about this kind of struggle without fear of stigma.
The Frustration Cycle
We all have friends who don’t want kids or who are indifferent (“If it happens, it happens”). I respect that, but I’ve always known I wanted to be a mom. Once Nick and I decided to start a family, we naively thought it would happen right away. When it didn’t after several months, I started tracking my ovulation like a hawk (I think Ovia overtook Instagram as my most-used app!) And after that, we probably tried every wives’ tale in the book – Mucinex, “special” lube, headstands. Lots and lots of headstands. You try to keep the negative thoughts from creeping into your head, but it’s hard. There’s always this whisper … maybe there’s something wrong with me.
As time went on, the pregnancy announcements that seemingly surrounded us eventually became babies and then first birthday parties. And while we were genuinely happy for our friends’ milestones, at the same time it was like a depressing re-run that I had to watch on repeat. Every cycle the same. High hopes, scheduling, timing, followed by waiting, and then frustration. And shame. And anger. And always, sadness.
Getting Tested
Earlier this year, we finally decided to see a fertility specialist and get tested. It was a few days of getting poked, prodded, and dyed, and plenty of surprise “oh, insurance doesn’t cover that part” bills. When it was over, I was almost wishing for something definitively wrong so we could just “fix” it. But our doctor told us everything looked fine, and started us down a 6-month plan of fertility treatments. Meanwhile, everyone would offer their own advice. Do acupuncture. Don’t stress. Work less. And of course that one line of advice that undoes itself as soon as it’s uttered…“Just don’t think about it.” During this time, the once innocuous question of “so when are you guys having kids?” by well-intending friends and pesky aunts became one more pill to swallow and politely smile through.
After months of the less-invasive treatments without success, the next step would be In Vitro Fertilization (IVF). A more invasive, more expensive, and even more emotionally draining procedure.
For those who aren’t familiar, the IVF process starts with a few weeks of daily self-injections into the abdomen to essentially trick your ovaries into becoming an egg factory. Your doctors monitor egg progress at the crack of dawn almost daily by drawing blood and doing vaginal ultrasounds (let’s just say, it’s not an EXTERNAL ultrasound), and then determine your injection dosages for that night. Next, surgery is performed to retrieve as many eggs as possible, which are then fertilized externally with sperm before being transferred back into the ovaries as an embryo.
However, since our tests indicated nothing was wrong, we were told our insurance would not cover IVF. And without insurance, it can become quite expensive because each cycle brings only a chance of success, and each attempt could cost upwards of $15-20k. Needless to say, at this point I’m not doing so well following the “not stressing” or “not thinking about it” advice!
An Insurance Mix-up
This August when I got my period again, I just felt empty and defeated. We made the hard decision to pay for round 1 of IVF out of pocket, and to figure out the rest as it unfolded. As a last ditch effort, I had our doctor submit the case anyway even though we were told insurance wouldn’t cover it … and we were dumbfounded by the response. Our insurance said that our test results (from over half a year ago) showed sufficient abnormalities to approve IVF coverage. Had we submitted it sooner, it would’ve been approved immediately at the time. I’ve never felt so frustrated and relieved simultaneously.
Where We’re At
Last month we officially started IVF. Probably the most emotionally loaded three letters I’ve ever typed. The fertility journey is a roller coaster, and one of the hardest parts is you never know how far along the ride you are. The ultimate unknown and worst part, is that you could go through it without success. That you do all of it for just a chance to be a mother, and you might have to do it again and again.
Throughout it all, I’ve felt ashamed and frustrated that my body couldn’t do something that a woman should be able to do. Lonely because there was no one to talk to who I felt would understand. Jealous every time there was a new pregnancy announcement, especially from those who weren’t even trying. Guilt, for even feeling that way. Left behind as I watched seemingly every friend and peer graduate onto the next chapter, wondering when it’d be our turn. And silly, knowing how many women go through years of infertility, miscarriages, and so much worse compared to me.
But sometimes, you just have to focus on what’s right in front of you. And in this case, that meant confronting the cooler full of syringes that arrived on our doorstep. As someone who turns into a 5-year old girl at the sight of needles, the daily injections and blood drawings never got easier. And then there were all the unnatural changes to my body from the hormones. The feeling of having no control over the outcome. This week, while waiting alone in pre-op before egg retrieval surgery, I was fighting nausea from the IV and felt tears start to roll down my face uncontrollably. A nurse came in and asked why I was crying, and I just couldn’t explain and didn’t want to have to explain. It was both nothing in particular and everything all at once.
Now, I’m writing this recovering on the couch, wrapped in a heating pad, awaiting news on how many embryos made it and will continue on to the next step. Infertility and IVF gets mentioned so much these days – whether it’s on TV or through a friend – it almost seems commonplace. But that shouldn’t take away from how tremendously brave and strong each woman is throughout her unique journey. It’s something we shouldn’t be afraid of talking about. Because it’s something that no one should have to take on alone.
So whether you have kids or don’t want kids; whether this topic is far off in your future or you’re in the middle of it right now – thank you for lending an ear and letting me open up.
My husband and I faced the same challenges last year. We ended up going through 2.5 cycles before we got pregnant. It was an emotional roller coaster and our chances of success was less than 30%. We now have a happy and healthy 4 month old daughter. Don’t lose hope! Miracles do happen!
Hi Jean, I am also Chinese and an older mother. I know exactly how it feels to watch all your friends have kids and your the one who has not. I also went through IVF – I live in the Boston area. Many of my friends don’t know what I went through to get pregnant, as you said it’s something you keep to yourself. I also kept thinking how could I not be a mother someday. I had thought was it because I’m older? If I had known I should have been more reckless and gotten pregnant when I was younger…
Anyway, I know I’m a stranger but if you need/want to talk to someone who went through it I would be happy to help in any way…
Hi Jean…
I have tears in my eyes after reading this post! But at the same time you’re in my prayers… I wish and hope everything will turn out to be good! Just stay strong and believe in God’s will!! Love <3
Hi! I have been following your instagram for a long time. Your reviews and recommendations helped me buy so many outfits that even my husband knows your name by now. Thank you so much for sharing your personal journey with the world. We will be praying for you and sending good thoughts your way as you go through this trying process.
Dear Friend,
I have been exactly where you are. I tried IVF twice and now have twin girls. I was so sad when things didn’t go according to my timing. Now I see God’s timing was perfect. Everyday I see my girls I know that those little souls were waiting until the time was right. Your little soul(s) are out there and they will come to you in the most perfect time. This is how I made it through, I hope this message helps you. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
I am so sorry you are suffering through this incredibly painful process. I can relate. I have walked a similar path and understand the deep sense of loss that comes with each passing month, as well as the loneliness that comes with the perhaps well-intended but misguided input from others. My heart is so full of compassion for you and your husband right now. I hope you find success very soon and wish your family (in whatever shape that takes) so much love.
Really sorry, I passed for infertility also, but we are very happy with an adoption.
I recommend you to look for this site http://mixandmatchmama.com/2017/11/pics-pics-pics/
I am so sorry you are going through this. While I have not personally gone through infertility, I do have close friends going through it and went through a miscarriage myself. While it is not the same experience it has made me realize that how others respond with not well thought out or downright insensitive comments is quite similar. “It will happen when it happens”, “it will all work out”, “it’s quite common” (a personal favorite- argh). They all may be well meaning but can send you spiraling as they clearly do not understand what you are going through.
I wish you the best in this process and thank you for being so open with such a personal experience. I’m sure it will help many readers who are feeling alone in their own journey.
This post hit my heart. These are words I can`t say to anyone. After trying and trying and seeing everyone surpass with bundles, I have chosen to tell people `I don’t want kids` `Its not safe these days to raise children.“My puppies are me kids, kids aren’t for us` . When in reality, I want! Kids. I`ve always wanted children. As a woman, it’s my duty to bear children;however my body has failed me. I`m ashamed to say that I unable to get pregnant. I`m ashamed of the looks, judgement, failure because this is truly how I feel about myself. I can only hide here and speak my true feelings because I can`t face the rejection. The thousands of whys. You are so brave! With all my heart, I wish you the best and success!!
Thank you once again for speaking what I can never bring to words.
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! The emotional journey of infertility is difficult to put into words; but you nailed it. My frustration and tears are triggered so easily these days, but it’s nice to know that I’m not alone. Even when I journal about the mixed feelings I experience, I can’t quite seem to fully express what’s happening in my mind and body, but I resonate with everything you wrote. Thank you for sharing.
Hi completely understand your struggle and have been through multiple rounds myself. It can be an isolating and grief filled process but it is also this incredible opportunity to realize how very strong and brave you are and your partner is too. Sending you both good vibes!!
I wish you all the best as you go through IVF. Try to remember that you have so much to contribute to the world–so much that you HAVE contributed–and that this does not make you a failure. You should be so proud of your accomplishments! Good luck🍀
I have followed your blog for quite some time now. I recently just started my own personal blog and have yet shared my experiences with IVF. You are not alone, and I hear you and understand all you have gone through. My loving thoughts are with you in hopes that your journey has a happy ending. We did three rounds of IVF, only to have no eggs to retrieve, with the fourth round finally having two follicles, with only one fertilizing, but at a very low grade. Needless to say, we never became pregnant through IVF. We are one of those lucky couples, however, that became pregnant naturally after a couple of months of being done with IVF. I have every faith in the world for you and your husband. All my love and prayers to you.
I have seen many couples who are using IVF to have babies and trust me I have seen all positive results. I salute all the women who go through this painful procedure to have a baby. All my good wishes to you❤️. I always follow ur blog but do not comment on it but this time, I had to comment.
I have been reading your blog for several years. I am so sorry you have to go through this. Trust me, you are not alone. Now being blessed with two beautiful boys. I have to say, hang in there. The end results are so worth it. All the pain and uncertainty will be washed away once you hold your true love of your life in your arms.
I found this post because Emily Gemma from The Sweetest Thing tweeted it and I just want to thank you for opening up about your journey. My husband and I endured a miscarriage earlier this year and even though it hasn’t been that long that we’ve been “trying”, its been long enough to keep me awake at night wondering when our time will come and wishing and hoping and praying every month that we’ll get a positive on that little stick. It’s comforting to know that we’re not going through this alone and that our feelings of frustration and guilt are valid, even though I regret feeling them in the first place. I hope your prayers are answered soon, along with all of us patiently waiting. Xoxo
thanks for sharing your story! I had found out 3 weeks before my wedding that I wouldn’t be able to conceive… they had to remove my ovaries and I was devastated. Not quite how I imagined starting married life! We eventually decided to do IVF with an egg donor since my uterus is healthy. we only got 5 embryos, and only 4 were really that good. We had a failed round, a miscarriage, and then finally success! I have my 2 month old baby sleeping beside me right now. But after the miscarriage, my dr told me that sometimes it takes people up to 6 tries. I broke down in the parking lot, crying that I didn’t have it in me to go through 5 failures… but one step at a time. I know it’s so scary, and frustrating, and a whole range of other emotions, and there’s not a great way to put them all into words.. and you’re right, you don’t want to have to explain your emotions. I hope you have success, and that it comes soon! <3
I’ve always been a silent reader but today I shall break my silence – I wish you the best of luck and if anything, all of us here will be here to support you and read every blog post. Stay positive!
Hey there fellow petite blogger! I’ve been following you on IG for awhile and reading this really tugs at my heart. We are currently dealing with secondary infertility and while I know its not the same since we do have two kids I completely understand the frustration.
We’ve gone 7 years without getting pregnant and doctor after doctor saying nothing is wrong and we have 2 other kids so our timing is just “off”. I knew something wasnt right but our insurance is horrible and we never met our deductible to be able to have any fertility treatments or testing covered. This year we finally met the deductible and we finally decided to get testing done.
TO my suprise i have PCOS, blocked tubes, a cyst around my csection scar, endometriosis, and a hole in my uterus! CRAZY and upsetting but as im writing this im sitting in bed recovering from laparoscopic surgery to fix those problems.
hoping we get a baby…….and praying you get your sweet baby too. I promise you it will all be worth the wait and frustration and this process will feel like a distant memory once you are pregnant …..sending you love and positive vibes and prayers sweetie xoxoxoxo
Erica Valentin
http://www.EricaValentin.com
Jean, thank you so much for sharing your personal story! I have been following you for many years, I love your style and your personality! Your story is really touching and how brave you are to go through IVF, keep your hope up! My friend was persistent with IVF & they finally got a boy! ❤️🤗
Just wanted to thank you for sharing openly about such a personal and emotional topic. I admire your courage deeply, especially when your emotions are raw and there isn’t a happy ending yet. Sending you a virtual hug and wishing you all the best.
Thank you so much for sharing!
We started the journey 4 months ago as well and so far nothing. Considering the problems our close relatives have had I wouldn’t be surprised if a similar situation is awaiting for us. It is unbelievably comforting to know that other people going through the proces are as affected by it as youself.
I am sending lots of thoughts and love in your direction and crossing my fingers that soon you will be able to live out your motherhood-dream 💜
I have followed your blog and benefited by your wonderful sense of style & taste but have never posted before. Your heartfelt testimony of your struggles to have a child brought back memories of my own travail over 17 years ago. So many comments from your readers of successes and failures with IVF and each story so unique and touching.
I wish you and Nick success to create your own family; knowing that there are so many paths towards that end. We tried and failed with IVF but we do have a happy ending and I pray that you will too. Try not to be too hard on yourself and have faith that life will unfold in its own time.
I have been in your shoes. It is lonely and heartbreaking. Thank you for sharing your story. I am wishing you lots of luck
I know that you are well loved by your family and followers and I believe all that positive energy can only help. Unless you have struggled with infertility, it’s impossible to know the absolute heartbreak of it. Asking yourself “ what is wrong with me?” so often . Not understanding why my body can’t seem to do what it was designed for, being emotionally crushed by every new pregnancy and baby announcement. Try not to be so hard on yourself. You are not alone. Sharing your story just got you an army of supporters, we’ll wishers, and lots of extra love and support. You and Nick are being very smart and proactive to start IVF while you are young. It avoids extra challenges. I struggled with infertility for 5 years and was eventually blessed with my son. But I never want to forget the emotions of that 5 years so I can listen and support any couple facing this. I’m sorry to welcome you to the Wanna-be-a-Mama club, but there’s a lot of us out there and we are cheering for you. I actually have a good feeling about your chances and wish you both the very best.
Hugs and Prayers! Here’s wishing you both the very best!
Sending much love and power to you both <3
Thank you for sharing this very personal piece, Jean. Just by doing so you are showing so much strength and bravery in your journey. It takes a lot to share something so personal but it resonates with so many women going through a similar situation.
I’m sending you all of the positive thoughts and prayers. You’ve got a very supportive community with this blog….one who stands beside you throughout journey. Don’t ever forget that!
Dear Jean, I know you’ll get a thousand comments on this very personal post. I will add only one thing about IVF. It is all about the lab. Having been through boston IVF, FCNE, and finally the Brigham, I will tell you that how they treat your embryos in the lab (post fertilization) is such an important step of this process. It’s totally out of your control once they’re in there, but worth doing some research into how the different labs in Boston handle them. Some feel light exposure is compromising, some grade the embryos daily. A ton of information is thrown at you, but this research can be so helpful. This is a huge strain on your marriage. Take care of one another.
Sending you strength.
I have tears on my eyes! I have the same fellings about this! Is so hard and sad to be in this situation! You are so brave! I admire you a lot for this post!
Baby dust to your and your hubs! I hope the procedure was a success and all the best to you. thank you for sharing your struggles and your story. It’s so important to be able to share the hard stuff and it draws us to each other more, even virtually
A friend who follows you and knows about my struggles just forwarded this to me and I burst into tears reading about your struggles, because I was you from 2013-2015. Married, Asian, knowing I wanted to be a mom of big family. Even though today I’m unbelievably fortunate enough to have to most wonderful 22-month old son, reading this beings me right back to all the sadness, guilt, shame, frustration, jealousy, anger and depression and anxiety during that time. I’m not going to pander you with “everything is going to work” or “it’ll happen when it’s meant to be” or something other bullshit like “god’s plan” – fuck all that. But I do want to give you a ginormous virtual hug and let you know you’re not alone. There have been, there are, and there will be many of us, in similar situation where despite nothing being wrong, natural pregnancy just isn’t in the cards for us, for whatever reason. I felt so broken and just really lost, unable to have any control over the one thing I should have complete control over, my own body. Luckily for me, IVF did work, and I hope it works for you too. Best of luck on your journey to motherhood, whatever path it takes. I like to think that those mothers who are forced to go this/these extra step(s) appreciate and cherish our little ones just much more. Big hugs and chin up. The worst part is just feeling so alone. I wish we were all as vocal and honest as you in your struggles so that we wouldn’t feel as alone during them. Keeping my fingers crossed for you and for anyone who struggles with her fertility. Good luck.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. It’s all too familiar. We struggled with infertility for 5 years and just gave birth to twin girls, the product of our 4th embryo transfer (3rd egg retrieval – all out of pocket). The pregnancy was complicated and they were delivered via emergency c-section at 30 weeks due to Preeclampsia. The struggle leading up to this prepared us for this shock and I’m happy to say our girls are home from the NICU after 6 and 7 week admissions. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. It’s clear how brave you are just by your posting of this personal story. I’ll keep you in my prayers…know God already knows the desires of your heart. That baby is on its way. We loved trusting our loved ones up above cradled the souls of these precious girls until just he right time ❤️.
While I don’t know you from a hole in the wall, I do feel personally connected to you by following your posts over the years. I will keep you and Nick in my prayers. Wishing you all the best! Stay positive!
Jean and Nick. I, too, have been following you for several years now. Thank you for your share. My heart goes out to you both. My brother and his wife, my sister and her husband both went through this. It was hard; I know what you’re going through. Sending you hugs and love sweetheart. You have become so dear to me; I’m hoping and wishing and praying for you. Love, Val
Thank you so much for sharing and using your platform to shine a spotlight on this issue that’s too often in the shadows. You and Nick are in my thoughts – I hope that this grueling process is short and has a very happy ending!
Thank you for sharing. Wish you all the best!
Your post literally brought me to tears. I cannot imagine how tough it has been for you. I’ve just started on the baby making process myself, but not very far along to make any diagnosis yet. Did suffer through a miscarriage previously tho 🙁
However I want to let you know how common it is… my mother did not have IVF, but she did have very low progesterone levels, so her eggs were fertililized her uterus had issues keeping the fetus attached. She’s a doctor herself and said that it was mainly due to her body mass being so low, as fat is required for the body to produce progesterone.
My sister in law suffered from some form of endometriosis and had to get surgery prior to wanting to have kids. Then later they found out my brother had his own issues too so they had to do IVF. BUT, They now have an adorable, healthy, and active daughter.
Then our friend wanted to have kids when she reaches 40, so she also had to go through the IVF process. First time she tried… it wasn’t successful. She decided that it wasn’t meant to be…. so she gave up on the IVF approach, but switched over to acupuncture, and it worked! She now has a beautiful healthy baby boy!
Hope these stories give you hope knowing that there are many successful stories and that you’re not alone.
I’m glad to see I’m not the only one bawling my eyes out reading this. I’m wishing you and Nick the very best from the bottom of my heart. Certainly all of our thoughts/wishes/prayers here can’t hurt. Sending love.
Dear Jean,
Thank you for sharing your story with all of us, for being open and vulnerable. I’ve been following your blog for a couple years now and while I love your fashion and style posts, this one really struck a chord with me. I wish you and Nick lots of luck, love, and hugs as you go through this scary and uncertain process together. 💗
Thank you for sharing a very private struggle with us. I am also Asian and struggled with infertility, keep hoping and praying. I know you’ve been flooded with well wishes and suggestions but I wanted to share about both my cousin and a friend of mine in college if I may. They were both super skinny, my uncle is an OB/GYN, he told my cousin to gain some weight. She followed his advice and got pregnant. I shared the same info with my college friend who was also very thin. She did the same and got pregnant, now she has 5 little ones. I don’t want to intrude in on your lifestyle or eating habits but maybe gaining some weight may help in the process as well.
Thanks Jean. I needed this so much today. Thank you for being a voice when this journey becomes silent and pretty lonely.
I’m going to pray for you! I know your time will come. Be patient with yourself and those around you. Don’t feel guilty for feeling envy over those baby announcements, its only natural. Instead, be happy for the blessing and remind yourself that your time will come. Have faith!
Hi Jean. I believe social media has such a great influence on our society but Quite honestly I was getting fed up by the lack of reality in posts. My husband and I are in our early 30’s and have a 14 yr. old daughter. Because we were so young and unprepared when we had her, we decided to go on birth control and have been ever since. However, seeing some of my favorite bloggers as well as friends have children moved me to become a mother again, so earlier this year we decided to try for a second child. It took but a few months to get pregnant however the pregnancy was not successful. Sadly we lost the baby due to a miscarriage. I guess what I’m trying to say is, I appreciate your honesty and portrayal of reality, for posting the good as well as the bad. I wish you the best in your journey/fight to becoming a mother. Stay strong!🌸
Your beautiful, brave post today touched me very deeply. So many of us know this experience personally or through the eyes and hearts of family and friends. Thank you for so eloquently and courageously giving voice to the feelings, struggles and hopes that go along with this journey. Know that in sharing your personal story, you are giving great comfort and support to so many. I hope this in turn gives you back the same. Very best wishes, luck, love and strength to you!
Wow! Bless you for sharing your story with all of us. I have been following you for two years now and always admired how beautiful your outfits and home and dinners out and trips always were. All shot beautifully and all written up with impeccable detail. Never would I have guessed that you and Nick were going through such a battle. You two are certainly are so strong and brave. I think a lot of people take for grantite having children or the ease of having children. You certainly put into perspective in such an honest way that not everyone is so lucky. I know that although I may not have experienced what you and Nick have, that I will be a bit more compassionate if I ever encounter a couple struggling with conceiving. I will absolutely avoid those comments made to you, I’m sure made out of sympathy and compassion, but not helpful nonetheless. Thoughts and prayers are with you both!
Jean,
Thank you for your candor and openness to share your journey. Sending you and Nick so much positive energy and warm, well wishes.
xo,
Thank you for sharing your story. I can relate. This week was the hardest. My husband and I have been trying to conceive for almost two years. After receiving a similar diagnosis of mainly “unexplained infertility” (I have “mild PCOS”), we did our third IUI two weeks ago.
Since I started tracking my period (using the Clue app for anyone that needs a recommend), I have not been late. I was five days late so I took a pregnancy test only to receive a negative result. While I had been trying not to get my hopes up, I couldn’t help but get excited before I took the test since I’m never late.
We have decided to try IUI two more times and will then move onto IVF. I really appreciate you and others who have shared what it is like going through IVF, so I know what to expect should we get to that point. I’ll be thinking of you and your husband and hoping for the best as you go through this process.
Jean and Nick, I am wishing you all the best and sending you lots and lots of good vibes from Canada. 😘
Jean, I’ve been following you for a few years. I admire your style and your sweet demeanor!! I know how frustrating this can be. I have one daughter. I miscarried when she was four and never became pregnant again. I have many friends who went through what you are going through and had success. My heart goes out to you. I have tears in my eyes. I’m proud you were able to share this and I’m stumbling on my words. I wish the best to you and Nick. Keep being as strong as possible I strongly believe in my heart this will work for you! Sending hugs to one of the sweetest ladies out there! ❤️