When it comes to the women in my family (or maybe it’s Asian culture), personal issues are supposed to remain just that – personal. It was only very recently that my mom opened up to me, sharing about the pain and loss she went through as a woman and as a mother. Things she had kept internalized for years that I never knew about. Watching her raise me and my two younger brothers, I saw firsthand being a mom isn’t easy. But what I was never really prepared for was the emotional and physical strain of trying to become a mom.
While I have all the admiration in the world for women who fight their battles quietly, I’m opening up about something very personal in this post. It’s different from the curated version of my life you usually see on my social media, but I think it’s important that we can talk about this kind of struggle without fear of stigma.
The Frustration Cycle
We all have friends who don’t want kids or who are indifferent (“If it happens, it happens”). I respect that, but I’ve always known I wanted to be a mom. Once Nick and I decided to start a family, we naively thought it would happen right away. When it didn’t after several months, I started tracking my ovulation like a hawk (I think Ovia overtook Instagram as my most-used app!) And after that, we probably tried every wives’ tale in the book – Mucinex, “special” lube, headstands. Lots and lots of headstands. You try to keep the negative thoughts from creeping into your head, but it’s hard. There’s always this whisper … maybe there’s something wrong with me.
As time went on, the pregnancy announcements that seemingly surrounded us eventually became babies and then first birthday parties. And while we were genuinely happy for our friends’ milestones, at the same time it was like a depressing re-run that I had to watch on repeat. Every cycle the same. High hopes, scheduling, timing, followed by waiting, and then frustration. And shame. And anger. And always, sadness.
Getting Tested
Earlier this year, we finally decided to see a fertility specialist and get tested. It was a few days of getting poked, prodded, and dyed, and plenty of surprise “oh, insurance doesn’t cover that part” bills. When it was over, I was almost wishing for something definitively wrong so we could just “fix” it. But our doctor told us everything looked fine, and started us down a 6-month plan of fertility treatments. Meanwhile, everyone would offer their own advice. Do acupuncture. Don’t stress. Work less. And of course that one line of advice that undoes itself as soon as it’s uttered…“Just don’t think about it.” During this time, the once innocuous question of “so when are you guys having kids?” by well-intending friends and pesky aunts became one more pill to swallow and politely smile through.
After months of the less-invasive treatments without success, the next step would be In Vitro Fertilization (IVF). A more invasive, more expensive, and even more emotionally draining procedure.
For those who aren’t familiar, the IVF process starts with a few weeks of daily self-injections into the abdomen to essentially trick your ovaries into becoming an egg factory. Your doctors monitor egg progress at the crack of dawn almost daily by drawing blood and doing vaginal ultrasounds (let’s just say, it’s not an EXTERNAL ultrasound), and then determine your injection dosages for that night. Next, surgery is performed to retrieve as many eggs as possible, which are then fertilized externally with sperm before being transferred back into the ovaries as an embryo.
However, since our tests indicated nothing was wrong, we were told our insurance would not cover IVF. And without insurance, it can become quite expensive because each cycle brings only a chance of success, and each attempt could cost upwards of $15-20k. Needless to say, at this point I’m not doing so well following the “not stressing” or “not thinking about it” advice!
An Insurance Mix-up
This August when I got my period again, I just felt empty and defeated. We made the hard decision to pay for round 1 of IVF out of pocket, and to figure out the rest as it unfolded. As a last ditch effort, I had our doctor submit the case anyway even though we were told insurance wouldn’t cover it … and we were dumbfounded by the response. Our insurance said that our test results (from over half a year ago) showed sufficient abnormalities to approve IVF coverage. Had we submitted it sooner, it would’ve been approved immediately at the time. I’ve never felt so frustrated and relieved simultaneously.
Where We’re At
Last month we officially started IVF. Probably the most emotionally loaded three letters I’ve ever typed. The fertility journey is a roller coaster, and one of the hardest parts is you never know how far along the ride you are. The ultimate unknown and worst part, is that you could go through it without success. That you do all of it for just a chance to be a mother, and you might have to do it again and again.
Throughout it all, I’ve felt ashamed and frustrated that my body couldn’t do something that a woman should be able to do. Lonely because there was no one to talk to who I felt would understand. Jealous every time there was a new pregnancy announcement, especially from those who weren’t even trying. Guilt, for even feeling that way. Left behind as I watched seemingly every friend and peer graduate onto the next chapter, wondering when it’d be our turn. And silly, knowing how many women go through years of infertility, miscarriages, and so much worse compared to me.
But sometimes, you just have to focus on what’s right in front of you. And in this case, that meant confronting the cooler full of syringes that arrived on our doorstep. As someone who turns into a 5-year old girl at the sight of needles, the daily injections and blood drawings never got easier. And then there were all the unnatural changes to my body from the hormones. The feeling of having no control over the outcome. This week, while waiting alone in pre-op before egg retrieval surgery, I was fighting nausea from the IV and felt tears start to roll down my face uncontrollably. A nurse came in and asked why I was crying, and I just couldn’t explain and didn’t want to have to explain. It was both nothing in particular and everything all at once.
Now, I’m writing this recovering on the couch, wrapped in a heating pad, awaiting news on how many embryos made it and will continue on to the next step. Infertility and IVF gets mentioned so much these days – whether it’s on TV or through a friend – it almost seems commonplace. But that shouldn’t take away from how tremendously brave and strong each woman is throughout her unique journey. It’s something we shouldn’t be afraid of talking about. Because it’s something that no one should have to take on alone.
So whether you have kids or don’t want kids; whether this topic is far off in your future or you’re in the middle of it right now – thank you for lending an ear and letting me open up.
Thank you for sharing your story. So many need to know they’re not alone.
Jean, Thank you for sharing! I live in the area, see you passing by on the street, and have followed you for years. Your style and overall energy is inspirational!
I’ve gone through IVF 3 times and our second child is due in two weeks. Fertility treatment was one of the most emotionally and physically taxing times of my life. I learned early on that keeping the process a secret made things even more stressful. Your willingness to share your experience was a beautiful choice. Sending tons of blessings your way!
I, too, was in those shoes. I still remember what it was like. Feel free to send me an email if you want to talk without having to explain. Be well. Hope you get positive news.
Jean you are so brave! Please never forget this and never forget the strength that you have! It is in these instances that we see just how strong we are.
Keeping you and Nick in my prayers! Thank you for sharing. Continue being strong and don’t use hope. This is exactly why I never ask those questions regarding kids or relationships status. I know most people don’t realize how hard those questions can be. Take care and many hugs.
Hi Jean, thanks for sharing. Reading your story recalling what I went through few years ago, I had similar experiences except it was little bit more complicated. I have a 3 years boy now, when I look at his face I feel whatever I’ve been through is totally worth. I know some factors can increase the success rate, like age, health. you both are young and healthy, just need a little bit of luck. Good luck, hope can hear your good news soon.
Thanks for being brave enough to share this Jean! I’m 34 and have a 10 month old daughter who I became pregnant with on the 2nd month of trying. Meanwhile, my sister just became pregnant via IVF, after 3 years of trying… I have a number of other friends who have also gone through IVF. It’s so hard to know why some people are able to get pregnant so easily, while others struggle. I know from my sister’s struggle how challenging it is. I wish you the best of luck with this process, and hope you’re blessed with a beautiful child in the near future. Parenthood is truly a blessing!
Hi Jean. I’ve been following your blog for years – even though am not so petite – but for your great style tips. I hadn’t ever commented here before but I must today. You’re so brave in opening up here with such a difficult subject. I can understand the emotional rollercoaster it is every month, the pain and the tears, the wondering why everyone else seems to easily have children and I couldn’t. We tried everything for 4 years. I thought if I had to hear one more time that I had to be “relaxed and stop thinking about it” I would go completely crazy. How could I relax and not think about it if that was the only thing I wanted? Anyway, after all these years, we literally gave up and stopped trying. And that’s when it happened (and naturally, no treatments). We couldn’t even believe it at first. I’m now 7 months pregnant with a very active kicking baby and plenty of yucky symptoms, but we still give thanks every single day. Sometimes that thing about “just relax” works. Wishing you the bestest of luck and I hope to hear some happy news from you soon. xx
Jean- this blog post moved me so much. You articulate your journey so well. As the blogging community has grown, I feel like there has been so much more discussion on this topic and have learned that there are WAY more women out there struggling with infertility than not. I commend your bravery in sharing your journey. I’m sure that things will work out and you will get pregnant!! Sending love and hugs your way!! Xoxo
Thank you for sharing this story. Wishing you guys all the best!
There are so many couples walking through this difficult journey. One thing I’ve been told is that being open about it makes it so much easier than trying to hide it. I hope this post brings some freedom and a lot of hugs and support. One day at a time, and fingers crossed!
Thank you for this amazing post. I’ve been reading you for YEARS and have long envied your seemingly perfect life. Goes to show that none of us know the struggles we silently face. Please know that so many of us readers are keeping you and Nick in our thoughts. I hope beyond all hope you get your happy ending. Stay strong Jean.
Thank you for opening up and having the strength and courage to share your personal story. While I haven’t been trying as long as you have, it feels like forever and I can totally relate to the whole jealousy thing when someone else announces that they are pregnant and it seems that I see a new announcement every week. but when I get those feelings of anger and jealousy, I turn to God and remember HE is in control and that when it is my time it will happen. I am praying for you and your family that you will be a mommy soon.
Thank you so much for opening up. We got back embryos 3 times already but it didn’t work… Now more testing is ahead of us and we hope everything is gonna be alright and our 4th embryo will make it!
Hi Jane,
Thankyou for sharing such a private story. I too am suffering from secondary infertility. I was able to conceive easily the first time, but endometriosis and a clogged Fallopian tube got me slumped and we’ve been trying for over a year now. Thanks for sharing your story, it made me feel less alone when I read your post.
Just wanted to share a bible passage with you that was given to me by chance, because I still haven’t told anyone about the infertility. I hope it brings you peace, courage, hope, and faith that God is listening. Much love and I hope the best for you!
“Worship the Lord your God, and his blessing will be on your food and water. I will take away sickness from among you, and none will miscarry or be barren in your land. I will give you a full life span.” Exodus 23:25-26
You are such a lovely person and as an Asian woman myself, I know what you mean about keeping things on the inside, so thank-you for sharing your story Jean💗 Both my sister and sis-in-law have walked this path as well (now both have little ones) and I know it was always hard to know what to say to make them feel better because it is such an emotional journey. Just know that you many prayers🙏🏼 {{hugs}} and positive vibes are being sent your way to you and Nick as you continue your journey.
I so incredibly admire your opening up. My mother had fertility problems having me, and went through five miscarriages and the daily injections to get me. The knowledge of that has really scared me, now that becoming a mother is in my very real future since I got married. I want kids, desperately, and am so scared to find the same things happening to my body. It’s a very real fear women have to live with, that we may not be able to do what our bodies are made to. Your choice to do what most people think of as the “drastic” measures early, is the smartest thing I think you can do. You’re giving yourself the best shot to be a mom, and what a great one you’ll be!
I’m definitely no where close to thinking of having children yet, but I do know that I want them soon. I guess this would have to be one of the things I fear when I do attempt it.
Thank you for sharing and I am rooting for you!
Thank you for being so open. I had my first egg retrieval in August, and frozen transfer in September. I decided from the beginning to be open about it, and can’t tell you the number of others I know that came out of the woodworks regarding their own fertility struggles. It isn’t fun, but it also isn’t something to be ashamed of. I will keep you & your husband in my prayers!
I feel you. I went through several IVF cycles, discovered I have an immunological problem that causes repeat miscarriages. If your embryo doesn’t “take” I would run, not walk, to Dr. Jeff Braverman in Long Island (there’s basically two reproductive immunologists in the US that are worth the money, it’s him and Dr. Joanne Kwak-Kim in Chicago) and get tested. Getting pregnant is about much more than the hormones and the sperm meets egg but most if not all fertility treatments focus on only that part. There’s so much immunology and hematology too… .anyway, best of luck!!!!
You’re such a strong, brave and amazing woman for even sharing this with the world. I started following you about a year ago because I loved your fashion (and purchased many of the outfits you posted 😊) but I admire you even more now . I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through and I will keep praying for you and Nick. I believe there is nothing greater than the power of prayer and wish you nothing but the best 😘 stay strong and sending lots of hugs to you.
All the best dear, I felt the same.
Love
Sacche
I fully understand all you are going through. I went through all the roller coaster of the full fertility treatments stuff for years, put up with unsolicited advice, babies all around, etc. After some years, IVF worked and I was able to have a beautiful baby boy, starting school next year. All the pain you go through is worth it. Good luck!
Praying for strength and a positive outcome for you. Your post summed up all the IVF feelings I had 16 years ago. I had 3 cycles after years of endometriosis did a number on my fallopian tubes. I only had one tube left. But I did eventually have success and then 3 years got a bonus baby after my IVF baby cleared the way, Wishing you every success!!
This post has really touched me because it reaffirmed that there is so many of us on this journey where trying is really just trying; it is all you can do. It is hard month in month out, year in and year out you have to be positive especially when you are told you have to stop thinking too much about it and it will happen. I have been trying for 5 years and in the process had 2 miscarriages. It is difficult to be hopeful but we hold on. I pray that may your wishes be fulfilled.
Jean,
I’ve never commented on any of your posts, yet felt the need to reach out to you after reading this truly heartbreaking, unbelievably brave post. I can’t begin to comprehend how strong you two have to be, what with the pressure we as indiviuals, and society as a whole, puts us through. I’m in my early thirties too, and me and my partner are still unsure about having kids; yet we feel this pressure on us everyday, seeing all our friends getting married, having babies. I can only imagine how hard it becomes once you decide to try and it just doesn’t happen the way you wish. I hope things work out for you; you and Nick seem to have a beautiful relationship and at least face this ordeal together. If it’s any help, many, many people have been touched by your words, for various reasons, and thank you for them, and try to send you good vibes to help you guys along your path. Love to both.
Jean,
thank you so much for posting this. like you said, not many women talk about infertility (myself included) and i just thought you were very brave for talking about your journey so far. my husband and i are going through a similar situation. we haven’t been to a fertility doctor yet, but that is the next step and i’m terrified of going. this post has made me feel so much better and has given me what i needed to take the next step. i hope that everything works out for you and nick and that everything will have been worth it. ♥♥♥
Thank you for opening up, I will pray for you. I’m so sorry.
Hi jean, I’ve been following your blog and channel for many years, but never made any comments till now. I want to applaud your bravery in sharing something so personal and stigmatized. I’ve been in a similar situation like you. I’ve had 3 miscarriages until my baby was conceived and born last December. My husband and I tried for 4 years and we’ve been to traditional Chinese doctors, quit my job to alleviate stress, fertility specialist and even considered spending 15-20k (almost cost of a car) for IVF. It’s always a topic that people don’t talk about because it’s so personal. Thank you for sharing and sending baby fairy dust and kisses your way!
You are precious and your journey is important. Thank you for opening up about your pain and hopes for the future. Sending you positive vibes.
Thank you so much for sharing your journey! My husband and I have gone through 3 egg retrievals and one miscarriage. We have an appt today to look at the next step. It’s super hard to see babies everywhere. To see your story makes me feel a little normal and not so weird but I hate that you’re having to go through it. The only thing we can do is to keep the hope. Sending love and prayers your way!
I hope you have amazing success this cycle!! ❤️👍🏻🤞🏻
Hang in there Jean. Sending lots of positive vibes your way. Look forward to hearing some good news soon x
Thank you for this post! I am currently going through the first part of your journey. My husband and I have been trying for a year. We use ovia, opk, Mucinex, ect and still no luck. It makes me cry every time someone in our family asks when we will have kids and asks what we are waiting for. You are not alone!
I can’t pretend to know what it is like to go through this process, nor would I suggest this will magically help, but, my sister and I both are horribly afraid of needles, and have found this little device to be a bit of a life-saver (basically it uses vibration and cooling packs to quickly numb an area before a shot or a blood draw): https://www.buzzyhelps.com/
Wishing you all the best.
Thanks for being brave and sharing on such a vulnerable and raw subject matter. Wishing you all the best to you and Nick.
Praying for you and Nick. Thank you for sharing.
Thanks for sharing, good luck and stay strong! I wish you all the best!
Thank you for opening up about this, I know how hard it is because I was exactly where you are 5 years ago. You are strong and brave don’t ever forget that. Sending lots of hugs , love and prayers!
What a beautifully honest post. I am sorry to hear you find yourself on this heartbreaking rollercoaster. My love and hope and best wishes for you and Nick.
I’ve been trying to conceive for 7 years. I’ve tried two IVF and I’m just in the middle of our third IVF. Fingers crossed for you too!
I frequent your blog despite the fact that I’m not even close to being anything remotely described as petite. But I’ve enjoyed following your fashion and life over time. This post definitely struck a chord, as I am on the other, gratefully lucky, side of this journey. I’m sorry that you have to go through this. It sucks. Wishing you the best of luck in this journey and process and I hope that you will soon be holding your baby.
Thank you for sharing this. For opening up about such a sensitive topic and being real, not just showing us the gilded Instagram curtain. I’m 32 and will be getting a hysterectomy in January to rid myself of adenomyosis, a uterine disease which has wrecked my life. I also have a long history of endometriosis and have developed other debilitating pelvic pain conditions, as a result of long delays in diagnoses and proper care. A hysterectomy, of course, means my husband and I will never have a biological child. But it’s the only way to alleviate my suffering and hopefully get some semblance of a life back. I understand all the feelings of jealousy, brokenness, loneliness, and heartbreak you describe. I honestly can’t even focus much on the baby part at this point because I need to focus on getting better, and instead all I would do is panic and cry. I’ve already done a lot of grieving and I’m sure there will be more to come. Not being able to have our baby is a sorrow I will have to learn to live with somehow… I guess like the chronic pain I manage every day. I’d like to hope we can adopt in the future, but time will tell.
I’m not sure what advice to offer, other than “if you’re going through hell, keep going.” Support groups (online and in person) and counseling can help immensely too, because even though it may feel like it, you aren’t alone. There is so much comfort in sharing with others who know exactly what you’re going through. I really like what another commenter wrote about accepting herself… it does help and I’m working on it!
Wishing the best for us both… this isn’t the end, and even without biological children (if it comes to that), we can still have a good life. <3
"Many terrible things happen every day. They have happened to me, to my family. It's why courage is so important. It takes courage to see such terrible things happen, and still get up every day, and be able to see what is still beautiful. It takes courage to remember that this is a world where some of our dreams… do come true." — Capheus Onyango, Sense8
Thank you for sharing your personal journey. Nothing about motherhood is easy. I was determined to have an all natural birth. 36 hours into my labor my midwife sent for a doctor because I couldn’t do it in my own and needed a c-section. I felt like such a failure as a woman because I couldn’t birth my baby. It took many many months for me to realize it didn’t matter HOW he got here. It didn’t make me any less of a mother. I will be praying for you through this process.
I’ve been following you for five years and have never posted. Jean, thank you for sharing intimate details on your blog and helping to humanize a serious topic so many families deal with everyday. Growing up in a family similar to what you described, I understand it can be uncomfortable expressing your journey among your curated blog. Thank you and I’m sending positive thoughts your way!
your post touched my heart,i pray that God grants your wish of motherhood.
This was beautiful, and made me feel less alone. Thanks so much for sharing. As I was reading, it seemed like I was reading my own thoughts and feelings. Like you, we also are on our first IVF and I just had the egg collection and subsequent embryo transfer. And my stomach looks the same! If you ever want an idea for a follow-up blog post…maybe some recommendations about what to wear while going through the IVF process, because on top of everything else, it’s been one more thing to deal with.
Firstly, thank you for opening up. It takes a lot of bravery and courage to share something so personal with us and I think what you’re sharing is so beautiful. All women go through trials in their life and you have NOTHING to be ashamed of. I’m wishing you all the best for the future and I am sure the IVF is going to go well!
x
Shloka
http://www.thesilksneaker.com
Hi Jean! I’ve been following you for years now and have never commented but I feel like I need to now. I cant imagine how hard this is for you. You are so brave for sharing your experience and difficulties. I want you to know that you’re not alone and I hope you never feel like you are. I’ll be praying for you.
Thank you for this . One of my biggest pet peeves is when people say ‘oh don’t stress’ like that’s immediately going to stop you from stressing ! This is your journey you are a powerful woman and are going to be an amazing mama. Stay true to your hopes of being a mama and we are all here sending you good vibes xo