When it comes to the women in my family (or maybe it’s Asian culture), personal issues are supposed to remain just that – personal. It was only very recently that my mom opened up to me, sharing about the pain and loss she went through as a woman and as a mother. Things she had kept internalized for years that I never knew about. Watching her raise me and my two younger brothers, I saw firsthand being a mom isn’t easy. But what I was never really prepared for was the emotional and physical strain of trying to become a mom.
While I have all the admiration in the world for women who fight their battles quietly, I’m opening up about something very personal in this post. It’s different from the curated version of my life you usually see on my social media, but I think it’s important that we can talk about this kind of struggle without fear of stigma.
The Frustration Cycle
We all have friends who don’t want kids or who are indifferent (“If it happens, it happens”). I respect that, but I’ve always known I wanted to be a mom. Once Nick and I decided to start a family, we naively thought it would happen right away. When it didn’t after several months, I started tracking my ovulation like a hawk (I think Ovia overtook Instagram as my most-used app!) And after that, we probably tried every wives’ tale in the book – Mucinex, “special” lube, headstands. Lots and lots of headstands. You try to keep the negative thoughts from creeping into your head, but it’s hard. There’s always this whisper … maybe there’s something wrong with me.
As time went on, the pregnancy announcements that seemingly surrounded us eventually became babies and then first birthday parties. And while we were genuinely happy for our friends’ milestones, at the same time it was like a depressing re-run that I had to watch on repeat. Every cycle the same. High hopes, scheduling, timing, followed by waiting, and then frustration. And shame. And anger. And always, sadness.
Getting Tested
Earlier this year, we finally decided to see a fertility specialist and get tested. It was a few days of getting poked, prodded, and dyed, and plenty of surprise “oh, insurance doesn’t cover that part” bills. When it was over, I was almost wishing for something definitively wrong so we could just “fix” it. But our doctor told us everything looked fine, and started us down a 6-month plan of fertility treatments. Meanwhile, everyone would offer their own advice. Do acupuncture. Don’t stress. Work less. And of course that one line of advice that undoes itself as soon as it’s uttered…“Just don’t think about it.” During this time, the once innocuous question of “so when are you guys having kids?” by well-intending friends and pesky aunts became one more pill to swallow and politely smile through.
After months of the less-invasive treatments without success, the next step would be In Vitro Fertilization (IVF). A more invasive, more expensive, and even more emotionally draining procedure.
For those who aren’t familiar, the IVF process starts with a few weeks of daily self-injections into the abdomen to essentially trick your ovaries into becoming an egg factory. Your doctors monitor egg progress at the crack of dawn almost daily by drawing blood and doing vaginal ultrasounds (let’s just say, it’s not an EXTERNAL ultrasound), and then determine your injection dosages for that night. Next, surgery is performed to retrieve as many eggs as possible, which are then fertilized externally with sperm before being transferred back into the ovaries as an embryo.
However, since our tests indicated nothing was wrong, we were told our insurance would not cover IVF. And without insurance, it can become quite expensive because each cycle brings only a chance of success, and each attempt could cost upwards of $15-20k. Needless to say, at this point I’m not doing so well following the “not stressing” or “not thinking about it” advice!
An Insurance Mix-up
This August when I got my period again, I just felt empty and defeated. We made the hard decision to pay for round 1 of IVF out of pocket, and to figure out the rest as it unfolded. As a last ditch effort, I had our doctor submit the case anyway even though we were told insurance wouldn’t cover it … and we were dumbfounded by the response. Our insurance said that our test results (from over half a year ago) showed sufficient abnormalities to approve IVF coverage. Had we submitted it sooner, it would’ve been approved immediately at the time. I’ve never felt so frustrated and relieved simultaneously.
Where We’re At
Last month we officially started IVF. Probably the most emotionally loaded three letters I’ve ever typed. The fertility journey is a roller coaster, and one of the hardest parts is you never know how far along the ride you are. The ultimate unknown and worst part, is that you could go through it without success. That you do all of it for just a chance to be a mother, and you might have to do it again and again.
Throughout it all, I’ve felt ashamed and frustrated that my body couldn’t do something that a woman should be able to do. Lonely because there was no one to talk to who I felt would understand. Jealous every time there was a new pregnancy announcement, especially from those who weren’t even trying. Guilt, for even feeling that way. Left behind as I watched seemingly every friend and peer graduate onto the next chapter, wondering when it’d be our turn. And silly, knowing how many women go through years of infertility, miscarriages, and so much worse compared to me.
But sometimes, you just have to focus on what’s right in front of you. And in this case, that meant confronting the cooler full of syringes that arrived on our doorstep. As someone who turns into a 5-year old girl at the sight of needles, the daily injections and blood drawings never got easier. And then there were all the unnatural changes to my body from the hormones. The feeling of having no control over the outcome. This week, while waiting alone in pre-op before egg retrieval surgery, I was fighting nausea from the IV and felt tears start to roll down my face uncontrollably. A nurse came in and asked why I was crying, and I just couldn’t explain and didn’t want to have to explain. It was both nothing in particular and everything all at once.
Now, I’m writing this recovering on the couch, wrapped in a heating pad, awaiting news on how many embryos made it and will continue on to the next step. Infertility and IVF gets mentioned so much these days – whether it’s on TV or through a friend – it almost seems commonplace. But that shouldn’t take away from how tremendously brave and strong each woman is throughout her unique journey. It’s something we shouldn’t be afraid of talking about. Because it’s something that no one should have to take on alone.
So whether you have kids or don’t want kids; whether this topic is far off in your future or you’re in the middle of it right now – thank you for lending an ear and letting me open up.
I know you didn’t ask for advice and while I hope you’re successful without it, I just want to note that I’m also petite (5’2 about 95lbs normally) and it wasn’t until I gained weight that I was able to conceive naturally. I wasn’t dieting or anything previously, but once I had a bit more body fat, it happened immediately (and I only get 4 periods a year naturally). 🤞🏼🤞🏼for you and Nick as you continue on your journey to parenthood!
Thank you for sharing your journey with us. It really takes such a brave soul to share the most intimate details of your marriage. I️ appreciate your honesty. My husband and I️ have been on that struggling battle of infertility as well. Sending prayer and love your way! Xoxo
Jean, I have read your blog for years but never posted. But I’ve been where you are, and I want to offer you support and comfort. I wish you success this time around, but also to let you know that no matter what happens you will survive and be all right.
I also wanted to offer a couple tips that I wish I had known at your stage. Please, please watch your weight gain over the next couple days. You are probably at higher risk for OHSS being slim (I was), and I never felt like I got enough info about it up front. If you gain more than 5lbs of fluid, please call your doctor! Also, gatorade helps drain the fluid faster.
Hi Jean, I’ve been following you for several years, love your style and your stories. Be strong and I believe something good will happen soon. I’ll pray for both of you ❤️❤️
Thank you so much for sharing! I agree that it’s a subject matter that, while difficult to be open and honest about, it needs to be shared.
I totally empathize with being stuck and watching everyone around you get what you so desparately want, and feeling less for not having it.
We’ve been trying for quite some time ourselves and have seen a specialist to do testing and finding out there’s nothing wrong ourselves. And while that is comforting, it’s not at the same time. Instead of going to IUI like they suggested, we’re seeing a homeopathic doctor some friends recommended that they had success with.
So here’s to fingers & toes being crossed, prayers, and along with every hope in the world that we both get what we long for most.
In the meantime, just lean on that support system. I truly don’t know what I would do without my husband, who I have grown closer with through this trial, and friends and family.
Hugs.
Hi Jean, thank you for sharing. I understand how hard and painful this journey can be. I was married 3 years ago with plans to start a family soon. But didn’t realise it could be so hard. Personally had to go through 3 IVF cycles myself before finally being able to conceive – currently 4.5 months pregnant. Be strong and be brave! I will keep you in my prayers 🙂 just a short note – chill throughout the 2 week wait and don’t think about it!
You are a beautiful strong woman and I wish you all the luck in this journey of yours! There’s a quote on one of my favorite books ‘When you want something with all your heart, the universe will find a way to give it to you ‘, please do not lose hope and seeing how much you want to be a mother, a child that you’ll bring into this world would be the luckiest, loads of love!
I’ve read your blog for years and years and silence and this is the first time I, like other have felt the need to comment. Thank you so much for being brave enough to share. So often women live their truths in silence. I’m rooting for you guys and sending nothing but love and good vibes in your direction as well as all of the beautiful comments above me from ladies who were also brave in sharing a bit of theirselves.
Jean, thank you so much for sharing. This indeed is a very personal post and I wish your retrieval was a great success. I’ve been there, well, half of it. I did egg freezing out of pocket last year. I understand the physical discomfort and burden of cost bearing that you went through. Very happy that your insurance ended up covering it. I wish this is the only cycle you’ll have to go through.
I’ve followed your blog for years now. Watching it grew from a personal project to now a professional site makes me very proud of you and Nick. I will continue to follow what you write, and hope that sooner or later, you will give us an update of what happened. No matter what, you will be loved.
I am sorry that you have to go through this. It must be really hard when you think about the hurtle you had to go through to achieve something that is supposed to be natural! But once you are through this, you will be tougher than ever and be a strong mother to your future child. Think about how luck that child must be to have a mom like you! This is God’s way to telling you ahead of time how challenging motherhood can be. And you are ready. You will go through this. Good things will happen to good people, sometimes you just have to wait a little longer.
I’m sorry you are going through this. Here is something for you to think about. Yesterday I had lunch with a friend who was a nurse before she retired. We ran into a couple she was friends with years ago. After they left she told me it was because of her they had their first child. They had been trying to have a child for years. The doctors couldn’t find any reason why they weren’t conceiving. My friend asked them if the husband took hot showers or baths and if he did to use cooler water. He did. She got pregnant. Not an old wives tale. My friend told them this based on her medical knowledge as a nurse. Maybe your husband could try using cooler water from now on. Wishing you good luck.
Thank you for sharing your story! You are so brave and courageous. I’m not good with comforting words, but don’t give up! I have a friend who tried IVF twice before she had her baby, so you’re definitely not alone! I know you and Nick will be great parents. I wish you both the best! <3
Jean, thank you for sharing this. You are so brave. Wishing you guys success!!!
Thank you for being so vulnerable and sharing. I’m Asian, and so well understand what it’s like to be raised to keep your business private. Fertility is such a personal issue, yet something so many women struggle with. I struggled so much with fertility after a year of miscarriages and I had so many sentiments that you wrote about – guilty envy, shame, and mostly sadness. I hope other women are able to open up and garner support. Best wishes to you. I wish you a successful cycle!
Wishing you and Nick all the best. Love ! Xoxo
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your husband! We went through IVF to have our children and reading this post brought back all of the emotions and thoughts and memories…it’s amazing how all encompassing it all is while you are going through it all- but then the second you move on to the next step for starting your family (whether you successfully get pregnant, decide to adopt, or go another route to have a family) it’s all just a small memory and all you can focus on is the next step. So not sure if that helps at all or not, but i completely feel for you two and all that you are going through and I’m excited for when you both get to the other side and this is all just a tiny and wonderful find memory of how your family came to be. I always say that i appreciated every second of pregnancy so much more than the average woman because we went through so much to get to that point.. i know we don’t know each other but You used to work with my husband Mike and if you ever want someone to talk with that has been through it all then I’m always more than happy to talk! Sending love
Thank you for sharing.
Hi Jean,
I’ve been following your blog for years and love all
your fashion posts.
Sending you virtual hugs! Thank you for sharing your journey. I pray for a safe and successful journey for you and your husband. ❤
This is so touching. Thank you for opening up and being willing to share some of the ordeals you’re facing. I’m saddened to hear about all the frustrations and disappointments you’re going through. I have an aunt who really wanted a child, but didn’t have one until many years later (now a very bratty and clever elementary school cousin). I can only imagine the anguish that she and you and Nick are going through. Sending a hug your way and rooting for you on your journey.
When you feel sad, just remember there are many single ladies out there who are older than you. They also had dreams of having family and becoming a mom but they never got to.
Sending you good vibes and virtual hugs (if you want them, if not, that’s okay too). Many women don’t open up about it, I have several friends who recently told me about their struggles with infertility and miscarriage. It is a strange and sad and loving sisterhood to be part of. Take care of yourself.
This is beautifully written and really captures the struggle and frustration of this crazy process… Thank you for sharing your story. Hope you will have good news soon 🙂
i’m already on ivf cycle #3, all out of pocket. keep sharing. i’ve learned so much medically, socially, and financially from talking to my friends. it’s gotten so common as women are placing careers first, that there’s hardly any taboo. re: the money, don’t spend more than you have to, and don’t be afraid to shop for ivf guaranteed success programs! big picture, though, let this be the exception for money to buy you happiness. ask questions, challenge your healthcare providers (i am a doc too), keep all your cycle maps/records. as one girlfriend told me, it’s a numbers game. you just have keep plugging at it. now that’s an asian mentality that comes easily 🙂 good luck. rooting for you.
Oh Jean, I will pray for you! Half of all my friends have gone through some sort of fertility treatments…which seems like a high number…considering our parents/grandparent’s generation seemed to breed kids like rabbits back in the days with no advanced medicines….makes me paranoid if it’s something (ie. hormones) in our water/food nowadays that’s messing with us. Anyway, one of my other favorite style blogger, Kelly in the City, shared her fertility story awhile back that brought me to tears too! You are not alone! Hugs!!!
http://kellyinthecity.com/didnt-announce-pregnancy-month-6/
Hi Jean, I read your blog regularly and I’m not usually the commenting type, but I just wanted to say thank you for sharing. I’m going through IVF too, on my third retrieval cycle as we speak…shots (and all the crazy side effects) are the worst! Your post was so so so brave and I just wanted to thank you for sharing; IVF is so incredibly frustrating and lonely and reading your post just…helped. Thank you again and know that I am sending you happy thoughts, a big hug and lots of wishes for a successful cycle!
Hi Jean – You’re right. When it comes to Asian Americans, we just don’t talk about our personal problems. My husband and I also went through infertility. After testing, we found out that it was me who had the condition that delayed our family. It was really tough to feel incredible sad and guilty about not being able to give my husband a child we both wanted. There was also the added stress of being on the older side and wonder if we should have tried sooner. But one day I decided that there was nothing to be ashamed of and started to tell people. The number of women opened up with their own infertility issues was a huge surprise to me. Love and supports always follows. Just know you’re not alone. We did IUI and acupuncture and we are now the parents of a wonderful little girl. Do what’s best for you because i’m sure you’re going to get a lot of advice now that you’ve open up. Good luck, take care of yourself and you’re not alone!
Thank you for sharing. It’s stories like yours that help educate and comfort others – esp in the Asian American community. We never talk about these issues. I was in your shoes 8y ago and your story is 100% mine – from being Asian and not being able to talk about it all the way to our first IVF cycle. I really felt like I was reading my own story.
Be strong and hang in there! Miracles do come true. I can attest to that. 5.5y ago I had my first baby girl and 2.5y after that I had my 2nd little girl.
If you ever have q’s, feel free to ask! I’ve been open to everyone asking and have opened doors to friends that had the same issue. They too have gotten pregos too. The process is painful, physically and mentally. But when your miracle comes, it’s worth it all. Good luck and remember that you’re not alone!
Wow, it’s a very emotional post! Thank you so much for open up & share with us your journey! Wishing you & Nick the best through this! God blesses you two! 💕
I Wil be praying for you You will definitely carry and bring forth your own children.
I’m glad you were able to talk to your mom! And it’s so wonderful that you and Nick desire children and get this chance to try IVF!
Infertility is truly a heart wrenching and lonely place. I have been down this road and am now forever a member of this silent sisterhood. Thank you for allowing us to share in such a personal struggle. I found that most celebrities (yes, you are a celebrity :)) would only open up about their infertility after conception or birth. And that never felt quite as helpful when I was in the thick of daily Gonal F injections and entering the torturous 2 week wait AGAIN. Anyways, please accept this virtual hug. And one for Nick too.
Omg.. I am exactly in the same situation…
Thank you for sharing this, really
Its been very trying,, the 1st month when it doesnt happen.. its just the shock I never expected,, and every month after that now.
I can really related to all the feelimgs (thank you for being so honest) it is very hard to say it outloud,, Everyone around gets pregnant so easily it seems.
I am afraid to have hope/expectation, I want to be positive inside of me, but it gets heartbreaking every time. And you think, if Im not a bad person, take care of myself, am responsible,, why is this happening to me?.. I guess there is a Greater reason I cannot yet comprehend (?)
Im on Clomid, hoping for the best (mild PCOS), but really terrified if it doesnt work, and terrified to hope. Its like you have to be positive, but you cant be too positive, cuz then you get your heart broken, each time.
I wish you all the blessings in the World, that you may become the fantastic mother I envision you to be! and a speedy recovery. It will happen, sooner than you think now Bigbig hugs
thank you so much for sharing about this. I wish both you and Nick the best of luck in your journey. you guys are going to be such great parents
Jean jiejie,
As I teenager who has been following your fashion blog for many years
now, I’ve always admired you as a role model who is able to do what you love and represent our racial ethnicity with pride. You are an inspiration that I hope to be like when I am a young woman in my twenties and thirties. So from a loving fan out there who wishes you the best, I want to say I Love You. This is probably really improper considering my age and inexperience in all avenues of life, but through my share of family struggles and isolation sometime I think that telling someone those three words goes a longer way than most might think. So I want to say it again, I Love You and hope you stay strong no matter how long or where your road takes.
With love,
Michelle <3
Hi Jean
On my first IVF attempt, I had 9 eggs retrieved, 5 fertilized embryos but only 1 made it to implantation and now that 1 very lucky embryo is a 2 yr old thriving happy little girl. I have been there, hang in there and keep repeating “have faith” over and over again. It’s the only way we got through this. I’m an acupuncturist, I treat infertility and have helped many couples conceive.
I wish I knew what I know now, it would have been easier. Our lab numbers were all normal too. My advice is to get both you and Nick tested for heavy metals specifically mercury. Google “DDI hair analysis test”. Mercury hinders mineral absorption. If all of your good minerals are on the low side then it could the root cause of poor egg quality and implantation issues. Also test for Lyme disease. Work with a functional medicine doctor instead of traditional PC. Other reasons often over looked by fertility doctors that I think you should evaluate first before pursuing IVF: parasites, EBV, autoimmune (test for ANA marker), dental issues like hidden root canal infections. Email me if you need to talk to an acupuncturist who has been through this journey and have experience with treating difficult infertility cases.
Jean, thank you for sharing your story. As an Asian gal myself, personal stories are hush hush but if you don’t speak up, you will never know if there are any help or options out there. Without discounting your doctor ‘s credential, my friend had gone through the same road as yours years ago without success until she switched to another doctor. It turned out that a little pimple like in her tube that blocks the sperm from traveling to its destination! The doctor made a small incision, scraped off the ‘pimple’ and she became pregnant through the natural process. She went on to have another 2 beautiful kids! I realize that each woman is different but do keep options open. Huge hug to you and Nick.
I can’t imagine how much it took to share such a personal struggle. I so appreciate your vulnerability and bravery, especially since you are in the midst of such a trying time. I was diagnosed a few years ago with a blood clotting disorder and apparently most women go undiagnosed until they begin to have multiple unexplained miscarriages. While I consider myself lucky not to have found out in that way, it is a future challenge that I fear deeply. I feel that it is so important for women to be able to talk about these things so that we can support one another rather than feeling shame and suffering in silence. Regardless of what my future may hold, I appreciate you sharing your journey. I hope you know that you are not alone and that there is so much love and support being sent your way.
I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through this too. I’m much older than you but am also trying, and have had two failed ivf cycles (never felt like an old lady before, but now I sure do…). Trying to decide what to do next.
One thing I wish I had understood was that different pharmacies charge widely different prices for meds, even if they are covered! Also, it can help a lot to get prior authorizations sent in from the clinic. It’s minor in the big scheme of things, but that’s a few thousand dollars less that I can move around now to cover another attempt. (Insurance coverage maxed out and now it’s 100% out of pocket.) I hope this helps someone out there.
Jean, wishing you lots of happiness! Thank you for bringing this topic out in the open on your forum with clarity and honesty.
Thank you for opening up and sharing your journey! I know this is a very hard and personal topic for others to speak of and let alone to tell someone about, as you stated. For women who face this struggle, it’s great feeling to know that it is not a struggle you face alone. I hope the best for you!!
I saw the last photo and got too excited for my own good. I know you will persevere; it’s hard not being able to control your fate (like with the cpa exam) but good news will come. Stay strong. I believe in you.
Jean, thank you for sharing this. You are the only lifestyle blogger that i’ve followed. Today after reading this, I’ve suddenly realized why I like your blog so much, it is your warm heart and love that makes this blog great! As a Chinese saying 好人有好报，wish you all the best!
Sending nothing but positive thoughts. I’ve always admired how beautiful you are both inside and out. Thank you for sharing this difficult journey. Things happen for a reason, including the timing of things. Your time will come.
For you to come this far is amazing. My husband and I are just at the beginning steps. And it’s already overwhelming to schedule and time when my next appointments are, let alone all the vitamins we have to take. Thank you for sharing your story.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. My husband & I are are married for 2 years and we are also trying for our first baby. Reading your blog is like reading what’s on my mind! Feel jealous when others can get pregnant easily especially when they still don’t want to have a baby. I am currently in my 2ww after my first IUI, should get the result within this week. If this doesn’t succeed, we are going to try IVF too. Baby dust to all of us! 🙂
Hope the best for you and your husband.
This was truly one of the best blog posts I read from you. Thank you SO much for sharing this, and although I don’t have any experience with what you’re going through, I really do sympathise with you. I know how Asian families work. Thank you for opening up, it really brings a personal touch to the blog! I hope your IVF journey goes smoothly, really, best of luck. 🙂
Charmaine Ng | Architecture & Lifestyle Blog
http://charmainenyw.com
What an awful and unfair situation! No one deserves to go through this painful process. I will keep my fingers crossed that you will have the same results as someone I know who went through IVF for her first child, then naturally for her second…and now she’s expecting her third child who is a complete surprise! Hugs to you and Nick.
Jean,
I was in your boat for a number of years. Two unsuccesful IVF rounds and then told by the doctor he really can’t do anymore for me. I am petite as well and worked out a lot so I was thin and in good shape. I had asked the doctor more than once if it could be my weight, should I gain more? His answer was always “no you do not need to gain weight”. Well after I put on 5 pounds I got pregnant on my own. I really feel some women need the extra weight for fertility. Possibly something to consider.
This is such a personal journey, thank you for sharing.
Jean, this is such a powerful post. You’ve moved me to tears. Thank you for sharing your journey with us, I know it couldn’t have been easy for you. Sending you an avalanche of kisses and hugs. Best of luck to you and your husband.
I want to thank you so much for sharing. I know how hard it is to want to have a baby and not have it happened like it should. My husband and I decided to try getting pregnant as soon as we got married. We were ready and we just wanted to be parents. Just like you I knew I wanted to be a mom and also just like you I thought well you just know when its the time and you “do it”. But after two years of trying and nothing happening my doctor finally decided I.should see a specialist. This was right before the holidays in 2014 so I told my husband (as sad and frustrated as I was) that I was not going to worry about it until the next year, I wanted to enjoy the holidays without worries. Next year came and when I say next year I mean January, I was late, 3 days late and I’m never late! I thought could it be? No, it can’t. I was away during that time and didn’t want to take a pregnancy test until I got back home in NYC. And so I waited. On January 8th I did a home pregnancy test and it was positive. I cried, woke up my husband and just said “you’re going to be a dad”. We just couldn’t believe it. Went to the doctor a couple of days later and confirmed it. We were going to be parents. We now have a beautiful son and just welcomed our second son this August. God is great. Please know that sometimes you just have to let go. Its true about the “not stressing” or don’t think about it ” because your body relaxes and things flow better. I.wish you all the best in this journey and I will have you in my prayers. Lots of love.