When it comes to the women in my family (or maybe it’s Asian culture), personal issues are supposed to remain just that – personal. It was only very recently that my mom opened up to me, sharing about the pain and loss she went through as a woman and as a mother. Things she had kept internalized for years that I never knew about. Watching her raise me and my two younger brothers, I saw firsthand being a mom isn’t easy. But what I was never really prepared for was the emotional and physical strain of trying to become a mom.
While I have all the admiration in the world for women who fight their battles quietly, I’m opening up about something very personal in this post. It’s different from the curated version of my life you usually see on my social media, but I think it’s important that we can talk about this kind of struggle without fear of stigma.
The Frustration Cycle
We all have friends who don’t want kids or who are indifferent (“If it happens, it happens”). I respect that, but I’ve always known I wanted to be a mom. Once Nick and I decided to start a family, we naively thought it would happen right away. When it didn’t after several months, I started tracking my ovulation like a hawk (I think Ovia overtook Instagram as my most-used app!) And after that, we probably tried every wives’ tale in the book – Mucinex, “special” lube, headstands. Lots and lots of headstands. You try to keep the negative thoughts from creeping into your head, but it’s hard. There’s always this whisper … maybe there’s something wrong with me.
As time went on, the pregnancy announcements that seemingly surrounded us eventually became babies and then first birthday parties. And while we were genuinely happy for our friends’ milestones, at the same time it was like a depressing re-run that I had to watch on repeat. Every cycle the same. High hopes, scheduling, timing, followed by waiting, and then frustration. And shame. And anger. And always, sadness.
Getting Tested
Earlier this year, we finally decided to see a fertility specialist and get tested. It was a few days of getting poked, prodded, and dyed, and plenty of surprise “oh, insurance doesn’t cover that part” bills. When it was over, I was almost wishing for something definitively wrong so we could just “fix” it. But our doctor told us everything looked fine, and started us down a 6-month plan of fertility treatments. Meanwhile, everyone would offer their own advice. Do acupuncture. Don’t stress. Work less. And of course that one line of advice that undoes itself as soon as it’s uttered…“Just don’t think about it.” During this time, the once innocuous question of “so when are you guys having kids?” by well-intending friends and pesky aunts became one more pill to swallow and politely smile through.
After months of the less-invasive treatments without success, the next step would be In Vitro Fertilization (IVF). A more invasive, more expensive, and even more emotionally draining procedure.
For those who aren’t familiar, the IVF process starts with a few weeks of daily self-injections into the abdomen to essentially trick your ovaries into becoming an egg factory. Your doctors monitor egg progress at the crack of dawn almost daily by drawing blood and doing vaginal ultrasounds (let’s just say, it’s not an EXTERNAL ultrasound), and then determine your injection dosages for that night. Next, surgery is performed to retrieve as many eggs as possible, which are then fertilized externally with sperm before being transferred back into the ovaries as an embryo.
However, since our tests indicated nothing was wrong, we were told our insurance would not cover IVF. And without insurance, it can become quite expensive because each cycle brings only a chance of success, and each attempt could cost upwards of $15-20k. Needless to say, at this point I’m not doing so well following the “not stressing” or “not thinking about it” advice!
An Insurance Mix-up
This August when I got my period again, I just felt empty and defeated. We made the hard decision to pay for round 1 of IVF out of pocket, and to figure out the rest as it unfolded. As a last ditch effort, I had our doctor submit the case anyway even though we were told insurance wouldn’t cover it … and we were dumbfounded by the response. Our insurance said that our test results (from over half a year ago) showed sufficient abnormalities to approve IVF coverage. Had we submitted it sooner, it would’ve been approved immediately at the time. I’ve never felt so frustrated and relieved simultaneously.
Where We’re At
Last month we officially started IVF. Probably the most emotionally loaded three letters I’ve ever typed. The fertility journey is a roller coaster, and one of the hardest parts is you never know how far along the ride you are. The ultimate unknown and worst part, is that you could go through it without success. That you do all of it for just a chance to be a mother, and you might have to do it again and again.
Throughout it all, I’ve felt ashamed and frustrated that my body couldn’t do something that a woman should be able to do. Lonely because there was no one to talk to who I felt would understand. Jealous every time there was a new pregnancy announcement, especially from those who weren’t even trying. Guilt, for even feeling that way. Left behind as I watched seemingly every friend and peer graduate onto the next chapter, wondering when it’d be our turn. And silly, knowing how many women go through years of infertility, miscarriages, and so much worse compared to me.
But sometimes, you just have to focus on what’s right in front of you. And in this case, that meant confronting the cooler full of syringes that arrived on our doorstep. As someone who turns into a 5-year old girl at the sight of needles, the daily injections and blood drawings never got easier. And then there were all the unnatural changes to my body from the hormones. The feeling of having no control over the outcome. This week, while waiting alone in pre-op before egg retrieval surgery, I was fighting nausea from the IV and felt tears start to roll down my face uncontrollably. A nurse came in and asked why I was crying, and I just couldn’t explain and didn’t want to have to explain. It was both nothing in particular and everything all at once.
Now, I’m writing this recovering on the couch, wrapped in a heating pad, awaiting news on how many embryos made it and will continue on to the next step. Infertility and IVF gets mentioned so much these days – whether it’s on TV or through a friend – it almost seems commonplace. But that shouldn’t take away from how tremendously brave and strong each woman is throughout her unique journey. It’s something we shouldn’t be afraid of talking about. Because it’s something that no one should have to take on alone.
So whether you have kids or don’t want kids; whether this topic is far off in your future or you’re in the middle of it right now – thank you for lending an ear and letting me open up.
Thank you for sharing your journey. I was tearing up and crying. I too am unable to conceive the normal route. And should I ever choose to have kids will have to undergo IVF and have a surrogate. You are so brave and courageous for sharing your story. Your strength is so beautiful and heart is amazing. You will be the most amazing mother one day.
Jean, first let me give you a virtual hug for being so brave and telling us about what you are going through. I am literally crying after I read this because as an avid follower of yours for many many years I would never imagine behind the scenes you were going through something so painful both mentally and physically. This really hit me hard because I turned 32 this year and as alot of my friends around my age are getting married and having kids, I’ve always been that girl who was never too worried about “catching up” to what everyone else what doing but as I will be getting married next year babies are now on my mind especially since I am “late” in the game. I always took for granted the thought that when I decide to have kids it will automatically and naturally happen for me but after reading this and obviously knowing I’m no longer at a point in my life where I can play the “waiting” game, I will definitely be a little more proactive and have a discussion with my own doctor and have a game plan as well.
I also want to tell you that no matter what happens just remember to count your blessings and take it day by day.
I can’t explain how much your words touched me! I’m in a similar situation right now (in the frustration of trying and helpless with every negative result, watching the time to pass…), and I don’t have people around to share my thoughts with. Reading your words was kind of relief, comfort, emotion… thank you for sharing your story. I wish you both success in this new journey, and a lot of love! ❤️ Thank you again!
Thanks for sharing your fertility story so far. It can be so daunting but when my husband and I were going through our own fertility journey it was amazing how many friends felt able to open up about their own journeys and I realised how common the struggle had been for others too. It gave me strength to stay positive and hopeful that one day we would fall pregnant. After months of trying and some unexplained fertility issues I was waiting for my next period so we could get underway with our first IVF cycle which is an emotional decision to undertake in itself. But my period never came, to our immense surprise we had conceived naturally and nine months later we had a healthy baby girl! Be kind to yourself and hope that you hear the pitter patter of little feet soon x
Thank you for sharing your story. I know someone who has been going through IVF as well, so I know it is tough both mentally when physically. Sending love your way!
Thank you for sharing!!! I completely relate to everything you wrote about. We ended up doing two rounds but finally had a successful pregnancy. I truly hope this is successful for you and you FINALLY get to see a positive test…it will all be worth it. Nothing but positive vibes being sent your way. The waiting is torture. No matter what happens…you are strong, and you are enough.
Hi Jean,
Thank you so for sharing such a beautiful post. It is true that this is a topic that many women feel ashamed to share, and they shouldn’t. I want to add onto the the person above me, who also said to test immune system. It is very common nowadays, that there is a immune system component. I am also in the health field as an acupuncturist. Acupuncture is a great treatment that can help support the IVF treatment you are getting. If you have any other questions, feel free to reach out. Again, thank you for sharing.
Hew…. I rember those hardship days…
When I positively thought that I was… I heard a co-worker, a friend, or even a stranger had a good news, but not me…
I’ll pray for you! A little angel will come for you!
🙏🏼
祝你生个大胖小子
Thank you for sharing your journey. Infertility is such a secret struggle so many people go through. My husband and I have done 3.5 IVF cycles with no success. We’ve been trying for almost for a little over 2.5 years and have never had a positive test yet. I wish you all the best and know you’ll find success to build your family.
Thank you for opening up. This is so raw and so real. I hope the best for you and Nick. ❤️
Many hugs. I’m writing this with my 4 day old IVF baby on my chest. It will happen. It is the shittiest Road we’ve been down – for us, secondary infertility. Hurt me, my marriage, just hurt. It took a few friends sharing their journey for us to start IVF, so you have just been that woman to some other woman struggling. I’m very open now and though the journey is hard, it’ll be so worth it.
Oh Jean, I’m so so proud of you for being so incredibly brave in sharing this. I can’t imagine all the emotions. I’ll be thinking of you and Nick, and I know you’ve helped countless others by sharing your story. ❤️
Jean, I’ve been following your blog for years now but have never posted until today. I have benefitted so much from your elegant and timeless (petite!) style, and you come across as so genuine, classy, and down-to-earth. Thank you for sharing this difficult and personal experience, and for revealing such a vulnerable and human side behind your glossy images. You’re incredibly strong, and I wish you and Nick the very best.
Thank you for sharing. I went through something similar and understand everything you said. Someone has to go through the same process to understand the extent of pain and frustration. To draw from my own experience, I have no advice other than just trying to stay strong. I ended up getting disappointed over the so-called friends who said sorry but they weren’t really.
Thank you for sharing this journey with us. I’m tearing up thinking about how you must have felt in pre-op and currently feel. Sending you lots of love and positivity. Y’all will make amazing parents ❤
Very special thank you
Thank you so much for sharing this blog, I can’t imagine the courage it took to be so vulnerable to share your story. It also couldn’t have been perfect timing as an encouragement to me as I myself am struggling with wanting and trying to have a baby. Best wishes with your IVF treatment and praying for a miracle!
Hi Jean, thanks for sharing this very intimate journey. I’ve been through 3 IVF cycled and umpteen IUIs, all with no success of a heartbeat found on the ultrasound scan. I wish you all the best and peace as well as courage to persevere. I’m also now in the midst of saving up for my 4th IVF cycle with a different protocol. Let’s continue this pursuit of having a child bravely.
Jean, you have helped me improve my professional and casual wardrobe like no other, and you seem like such a lovely, glowing person. I always eagerly await your new posts. Thank you for sharing your painful journey – I was so surprised when I read this post because I, too, have been on the IVF journey.
Sometimes it feels like I’m the only person in the world who cycles through the shame, guilt, anger, debilitating sadness and loneliness of not being able to have a desperately wanted baby. I am paying wholly out of pocket, and have just started my 6th (yes, SIXTH) IVF cycle… with no success yet. It’s taken a toll – I haven’t been truly happy since July 2016.
I understand every emotion you are going through, and would like to offer some info that may be useful to you. There is a national infertility support group called RESOLVE, which I regularly attend in my area; I looked up the details in Boston for you at the bottom of this comment. Every single time I go, I leave feeling much less alone. The ladies are all extremely supportive and have deep knowledge of all the variants of the procedures, medications, clinics and doctors. They have a message board, too, which is super informative.
Also, I’ve been reading the following three books: Silent Sorority (Pamela Mahoney Tsigdinos), Ever Upward (Justine Brooks Froelker) and Avalanche (Julia Leigh). We are not alone.
I read somewhere that we shouldn’t think of our story as one of deep sadness, or loneliness, or shame. Ours is, rather, a story of love. The tremendous love you have for your husband, the tremendous love that motivates you to create a family with him, and the tremendous love that holds you up every day to go to whatever length you need to to have a baby, who will be born of that love.
My best wishes to you, Jean. I hope it happens very quickly for you, and for all of us.
Best,
Hope
Massachusetts: Boston General Infertility Support Group
Category: Peer-led Support Groups
Boston Integrative Health Center, 581 Boylston St., Suite 700B
Boston, MA 02116
Date & Time: Meets on the first Monday of the month at 7:15PM
Location: Boston Integrative Health Center, 581 Boylston St., Suite 700B
Host: RESOLVE New England
Phone: 781-890-2250
Email: admin@resolvenewengland.org
I had a lot to say in my comment but I erased it all. I’ve been following your blog since basically its inception. Your words have touched me more than any of your previous posts. I’m here for you, from one petite Asian to another (across the country).
THANK YOU for sharing your story. It’s so brave of you. Know that you are not alone and are greatly loved by the interwebs world. There is an entire sisterhood that stands behind you, understanding your pain, empowering you, and reminding you that you are an amazing woman. IVF is a challenging process, a huge struggle. Again, thank you for having the courage to share. Wishing you and Nick the best of luck in tackling this challenge. Sending love!
Hi Jean – thank you so much for sharing as I know what you are going through. I also feel the same, my husband and I have been married for almost 4 years and are trying to start a family as well, it is sometimes difficult to see pregnancy announcement from friends or families when you yourself are wanting to have kids. Thanks for sharing knowing that I am not alone in this journey of trying to start a family 🙂
Thank you for sharing your story. You are simply a strong and wonderful woman. Best of luck to you and Nick. 💕
I wish you both the best! I’m speechless reading your posts. I couldn’t find other words to comfort you! Will be praying for your good news! Keep us updated! Much love! ❤️
Jean, I have to say you are so brave. By trying that difficult path to have a baby, you are more than a mom. I don’t have a kid for a different reason and I cannot share it here as I am Asian 😉 but I do know how you feel. It’s like suffering like hell but cannot share the feelings to anyone. You also gave me a strength to try having a baby for the last time with this blog entry. You are not alone. There are so many happy faces who have so much pain in their mind. Thank you for sharing your feelings and help me to become braver than I am. Sending a big hug! Xoxo
I have been in your exact same position. When we finally paired everything with progesterone suppositories…a miracle. It’s hard to believe now, but this will make such a story of love to your child(ren). My miracle girl just started college!
Thanks for sharing such a personal experience. I️ can totally relate to you in terms of keeping this personal coming from an Asian background. It’s such a brave thing to be open and sharing your experience with the world. I️ hope that round one works without any glitches!
Jean, thank you so much for sharing your story! My husband and I are also trying for our first baby, so to a certain extent, I can totally relate to the emotional rollercoasters we have to go through monthly. Best of luck to you and your husband! I hope we both get to see a big fat positive line soon! xx
I give you so much credit for being so brave in your journey, and also for being open and sharing your story with us. I have been a very long time reader, and your blog is my absolute favorite to read. While I may just be a reader, having followed you for so long makes me feel like you’re a very fashionable girlfriend that I’ve known for years! I wish you and Nick success on your journey, and sending you so much love and support for you every step of the way.
Thank you for sharing your journey Jean! While I didnt have to go through IVF, I did suffer an early miscarriage earlier in the year and it’s also one of those topics many women do not and feel ashamed of talking about. It has also brought sadness and frustration because I really wanted to be a mom. I felt the same jealousy of my friends who were getting pregnant and having baby showers…took a while to feel comfortable around them without feeling depressed about myself. We tried again and now i’m 33 weeks. But there hasn’t been a day where I don’t think about the possibility of something going wrong….that fear of losing something so precious and not being able to control it. I hope you find comfort in knowing that you’re not alone in the struggles of being a mother and by sharing your journey helped me share mine here.
You are so very very brave to share this and I just wish you so very much that IVF will be successful for you guys and you could become a mother soon! Will keep you in my prayers!
I’m so sorry you’re going through this! But you are not alone! My husband and I have been trying for 2 years. We had 2 failed IUIs and plan to try IVF in 2018 (after we switch to his insurance which thankfully covers it). Best wishes as y’all navigate this journey together. Praying you get your blessing soon!
Hi Jean! So brave of you to share your experience, my friend recently went through Ivf too and she shared her journey with me and I know it’s not easy. Now you have your eggs retrieving, the most difficult part, it should be easier but I know not the end .
I totally understand seeing others falling pregnant weather planned or not and you know u should be happy for them but sohow you wish that was you. The frustration and the disappointment makes you angry. It should be nature and simple but it’s not , you ask yourself the question why inside your head many times and each time you have no answer.
Jean, you got to remember, you are still young and healthy If it doesn’t happen the first time, try again. At least you are trying and have the chance to try if all failed don’t be sad or angry.. Think about adoption. I can totally relate to what you are going through, it’s like Mother Nature have taking the chance of you of doing the one thing you can do as a woman but my story is ten times worst. At 38, in a relationship, my chance of being pregnant is very slim for many reason but i hope one day I will be a mother too. so be positive!! If you need to chat. Let me know . Take care xxx
Martina
Thank you for sharing such a personal story. I believe it’s very beneficial for both the writer and the reader. The writer is able to vent and the reader is able to get a different perspective of what could or has happened to them. I haven’t been trying but from a few previous tests I’ve taken, it seems as if I will go down a similar route once I decide to have kids. I will be praying for you and your husband that you will have your bundle of joy however God sees fit. Thanks again for sharing
Make sure your doctors test your immune system too. Many times the reason for infertility has to do with the immune system preventing pregnancy or attacking a pregnancy. I am a nurse, that’s why I am telling you this. Best wishes!
@authorgracielagarciabredehoeft
Jean, you and Nick are so brave for sharing. I have followed you since the beginning and I am sending you both prayers for your growing family.
Dear Jean,
Good luck and while you are braving it all I’ll keep you in my prayers. I have been following your blog for couple of years now. You have become such an integral part of my daily routine when I log in every weekday. As someone who is on the wrong end of 30 and looking at separation, a social stigma in my part of the world, I have given up any hope of a second chance to start over and hopefully have family of my own some day. I have 2 adorable nephews , the latter being 5 months, that make my very soul go mushy. Not amount of being positive can reset our biological clock or keep it from ticking away and taking with it better chances at natural pregnancy.Either I resign myself to being single / kid-free or I start over. In which case I may be doing exactly what you are in the time to come. Opening up to your family, to your friends to even strangers like me through your blog is much needed outlet for the emotional distress. I am still fighting out my separation process and the trauma is debilitating with the mud slinging and slander. I am probably going the penniless way so I do understand the financial struggle. I’m shamed every now and then, some subtle some overt but finally I have reached the point of tuning people and noise out. This is a first for me too. Sharing the failure of my late marriage which in itself has been a shaming highlight of my life. I’ll be fine though. You will be fine as well. I hate it as well when people state the obvious of not thinking about your worries or stressing over it. Of course we would. If I don’t worry for myself and find a fix no one will. They can empathize /sympathize but no one is more vested in my well being than myself.Period. Babies are a blessing, even in a country of quarter and a billion (and counting) they are nature’s way of touching your soul. They bring the one emotion to surface that nothing else can..loving someone more than oneself. You will get there and be a great mom. How beautiful and incredulous is that I can feel your hardship through your written words alone. And that I want to hug it out. And to tell you that , not that I am religious, I’ll ask of the million gods here (probabilities yay!) to send a stork on a visit to your home .
Cheer up and chin up babe!
Lots of love
I’m also a long-term follower and thanks so much for sharing. I’m 24 and not married yet, but kids are definitely in my future (or so I hope). Wish you and Nick all the best.
Jean, you are such a beautiful, brave, and strong human being. Thank you for sharing your story. I hope the topic of fertility and IVF can become more common so women don’t have to be afraid and fight this battle alone. Stay strong, Jean! I will keep you in my prayers!
I’m sorry you’re fighting this battle. I hope it’s one you’ll win soon. No suffering should be done alone. I hope this outlet will bring you some comfort and relief.
Thank you for being vulnerable with us and sharing this part of you. Your reflections and feelings are very relatable. My heart really reaches out to you and Nick. Stay strong!! And keep believing <3
Thank you (& nick) for your bravery and kindness sharing with us, especially since you don’t know what’s next. its a daunting prospect to think it may not all work out for you, and myself in the future but I’m extremely grateful for your courage to reduce the stigma about IVF and fertility struggles. hugs from afar~
Jean, this was really hard and personal of you to share, and I think all of us netizens want to stand up for you in sharing this. It takes a lot of strength to overcome challenges like this but I think you and Nick are really inspirational in your lives. Not everything online is picture perfect, and each person has their own struggles. We hope we can stand with you as you continue to share about your story!! 🙂 <3
Thanks for sharing your journey with all of us. Sending you good vibes for any of the hard days. It’s going to happen for you <3
Wow, reading posts like these makes me relive everything my husband and I went through. I can tell you it will happen when you least expect it and God works in mysterious ways. My first pregnancy happened when I decided to give up and stop trying. Our second pregnancy happened after a horrible, distraught loss…but we now have 3 beautiful boys. Yes, our second pregnancy were twins. I will also share that both pregnancies were trying and tough. My first I was hospitalized multiple times due to hyperemesis, I lost 20 lbs in that pregnancy. The twins pregnancy ended up in preterm labor at 30 weeks and 2 days. My babies being in the NICU for a month and a half. I wouldn’t trade it for the world, but it certainly was not easy. I wish you the best of luck and will keep you in my prayers.
Wishing you all the best on your journey xo
Thank you so much for sharing such a personal story, Jean. You are breaking barriers set by Asian culture by opening up about the pain and struggle that you have been going through, and as a Canadian-born, Vietnamese-Chinese female, I cannot thank you enough. Although I am not yet at the stage where I am trying for children, I know that I will struggle to conceive in the future due to suspected PCOS complications. Your story is one of bravery and perseverance. Sending all the love and hugs to you and your husband.
I’ve been following you for so many years and this has to be my favorite post. The vulnerability and the emotion that I felt from reading this post really touched the deepest part of my heart. I’m not married like you and Nick, but I’m 28 (turning 29 soon) years old. I’m single, but someday when I meet the right guy, I would love to become a mom. Doctors have looked at my hormone levels and told me that it would be difficult to have kids. In the midst of my friends’ wedding/engagement news and pregnancy surprises, it’s hard to stay encouraged knowing that I would once experience that joy as well. I even thought freezing my eggs, but the the money that would go into that process [10k+] discourages me at the same time. I even did the transvaginal ultraound [the one you mentioned in this post] by myself (that ultrasound was so scary and painful). Although we’re in two different seasons of life, I feel that I connected with your loneliness and defeated state. Stay strong, Jean. God will provide you and Nick a child very soon. Thank you for sharing you journey. xx
Hi Jean! Thanks for sharing your journey. Hope you and “nurse” Nick have good news to share in a few months!