Before I get back to regular outfit posts, I wanted to say thank you. I read each and every comment, direct message, and email in response to my last post, and was so moved by your warmth, support, and openness. Even though I may not have replied directly, please know that each message was uniquely meaningful to me. Your deeply personal stories allowed me to feel and share in your own incredible triumphs as well as heartache, in a way that’s amazing for women connecting through a blog.
For those who are interested, I wanted to occasionally share more of the highs and lows of the journey as we go. After leaving off with IVF egg retrieval in my last post, the next steps were to wait and see how many eggs fertilized, and then how many survived to day 5. In our case, the embryos that grow to day 5 are frozen to undergo optional genetic testing, which takes several weeks. Each embryo that’s deemed healthy can then be thawed and implanted into the uterus, where it will hopefully “stick.” At every waiting point along the way, there is almost always a dropoff.
Our doctor was able to retrieve 21 eggs last week. I was admittedly on a high, and allowed myself to feel oh so optimistic! But only 9 fertilized, and then yesterday while in the grocery store parking lot, I was told only 3 embryos survived to undergo testing (which means perhaps 1 or even none could make it to implantation). I couldn’t help but burst into tears right there – I was prepared for dropoff, but not quite so much. I know it’s ok and even important to cry at times, but your messages helped me find strength and regain positivity, as we continue down this uncertain road. So thank you again, from the bottom of our hearts.
Longtime fan of your blog and wanted to wish you best of luck! I currently have a 15 month old son via IVF. I also only had 3 viable embryos, 2 were implanted, but only one “stuck”. The journey definitely had highs and lows, but I’m so blessed to have my son and now I’m 31 weeks pregnant with a baby girl (naturally and definitely not planned!) I’m sure you’ve heard it before, but things definitely work out in its own crazy way and stay positive!
You are so brave and strong! hope your dream of being a mom comes true soon , don’t give up! it takes a lot of strength to share such a personal story
Hi Jean – This whole process sucks! I’m sorry you had to go through it too. I feel like it’s been a probability calculation exercise combined with lots educated guess work. You never know exactly why something is not working. My husband and I are going through it right now. With that said, it’s turly nice to see people talking about infertility more openly. We women have to do a lot of heavy lifting during this process, so it’s nice to be able to talk about it openly and share experiences. Anyway, I selfishly hope we get pregnant around the same time, so I can copy your pregnancy style 🙂 Good luck!
I’m a long-time reader who has never actually posted a comment. Like many of the people who’ve posted, I went through this too. I remember how each month was filled with hope and then crushing disappointment, over and over. We finally did IVF. (In our case, we ended up with a doctor who specializes in minimal-stimulation IVF, which can be much easier on the body.) After our daughter (now 11) was born, all those months of frustration and despair — which had seemed all-consuming at the time — became just a distant memory. One way or another, that will happen for you too. The stress and worry and despair of these past months will just be a distant memory. I truly and sincerely wish you every happiness and joy.
I had only 1 made it to day 5 and 1 to day 7. Unfortunately the day 5 one Failed genetic test so they transferred the day 7 4bb embryo, the worst grade You could have for transfer. and doctor gave it 30% of chance. But now my day 7. 4bb is sleeping in her crib. It was a tough journey and hope your wishes come true.
Good vibes going your way !
You look fabulous.
Thanks for sharing your journey with us. I’ve gone through two rounds of IVF. The second round was successful with a retrieval of 9 eggs and 3 implantations. We ended up with two healthy twin boys now age 6. Hang in there and don’t feel defeated.
I have been following you since high school, and I had no idea how great of a reference this blog can be to me until I graduated this year and started living in NYC. I finally feel the need to get out of my canada goose jacket and experiment with some classy, chic professional wear. Thank you for doing this for us petite girls! This blog is beautiful as much as it is educational and practical. I have always felt uncomfortable being petite and this year, at the age of 22, is the first time that i actually come to terms with it and feel happy about it. Keep up the good work. What you are doing is truly great!
Hi Jean,
This is my first time ever writing a comment on your blog. I just want you to know that I’m rooting for you and your husband! Sending good thoughts your way and wishing you all the best!
Thank you so much for sharing your story. We don’t hear about these enough and it’s important for us to be able to talk about these things openly so we know we aren’t alone.
Three is good! I am crossing everything for you. Please keep us posted. You are in my thoughts.
I wish you all the luck, Jean… I don’t have a husband and my prospects of ever having a baby are dwindling every day, as I’m already past my prime… I suffer in my own but similar to yours way…
Hi Jean,
My husband and I are going through a similar process. We aren’t doing IVF at the moment, but a pill method to force ovulation. I too, tried every trick under the sun. I have PCOS…which we discovered after wondering why after 8 yrs no baby. I’ll be praying for you. I hope we both have something to celebrate, but regardless, I’m glad we are all in this together. You are not alone. Thank you for sharing your story. I’ve never felt closer to a “stranger” than I do with you.
Hi Jean~ Your story is so familiar! I was in your exact shoes. I remember moving into our new neighborhood and it seemed like every day someone was announcing they were pregnant or I was invited to a baby shower. I understand how sad and defeated it can make you.
I got pregnant right away the first time then miscarried at 9 weeks. After that I couldn’t get pregnant for over a year, and we went down the IVF road. I got pregnant a couple of times, but miscarried. It’s a blur now, but at one point, in between cycles, I got pregnant naturally with our now 16 year old daughter! I had 4 frozen embryos left (out of 22 retrieved and 8 fertilized and 6 made it to blast stage) so we decided to try again when our daughter was one. Four thawed normally and the dr. implanted 3– I got pregnant with triplets! Sadly one of the three miscarried around 8 weeks, but I now have beautiful 14 1/2 year old twin boys! So I went from no babies to 3 in an instant!
We had the same diagnosis as you– there did not seem to be any reason that we were not getting pregnant on our own. It’s tough because you feel like if something is wrong then you can do something to fix it, right? But! The good news is ~ there is nothing wrong! I have complete faith that you will have the family you want. It’s hard when it doesn’t happen on your timetable — but it will happen! I look back and wish that I didn’t spend so much time agonizing and reading everything I could about what to do so I would get pregnant. My poor husband! It is hard on them too. I wish I could tell you not to worry and just carry on with life and it will happen~ but I know that doesn’t work because that is what people said to me– how can you NOT think about it? One thing I will tell you that happened to me was this: I was sitting in my car one day doing paperwork ( I was a pharmaceutical sales rep). I looked up from what I was doing, and just then a man was walking by and he had a t shirt on that said:”Don’t worry, God is in control” It made me take a deep breath and realize that my worrying and anxiety were only hurting me. It wasn’t up to me or anything I did or didn’t do. It was going to happen when it happened, and it will be perfect when it does! As sad and as trying as it all was, I have the children I was meant to have and you will, too! I hope you find comfort in the support of your family , friends and blog followers. Keep the faith and know it will all work out!
Anyone have comment to add that it is maybe Ok to live without children ?
I know where you are as I’ve been there too. I was so surprised at the dramatic decline in numbers and waiting for each embryo update was so difficult. We went from 16 retrieved to 2 frozen. We should be doing our first FET before the end of the year. We are praying fiercely for a healthy baby. We are hoping and praying for a successful cycle for you and Nick too.
Any suggestion regarding classic peacoat in petite size?
Jean,
I’ve been a silent reader for a year. I just want to say thanks for sharing your story, it was very brave of you. Please keep us updated on your IVF progress. I am praying for you from Canada!
Hi Jean. I told my sister before her last round of IVF this: Say to yourself at the end of this cycle you will have a baby. It will work. No negative thoughts, just be excited about having a child. Let yourself plan what the baby will wear; whether you will
have a boy or girl or both!
She surrounded herself with these happy thoughts and didn’t protect herself from the possibility of disappointment. She believes that attitude worked that final time and now she is one tired, but super happy mom.
Dear Jean,
I’ve been such a fan of yours but have never commented before. Reading your post brought back a flood of emotions. With my 3rd IVF cycle, I remember the devastation of hearing news that only 1 embryo was viable for transfer, out of 20 retrieved eggs. We had spent all our savings at that point and it was our last shot. I can still hear my doctor’s encouraging words that it only takes one and it did! I was very open about my IVF journey with my family and friends, which came with a lot of unsolicited and sometimes nonsensical advice, but it also came with a whole lot of love, support and encouragement. With that, my advice to you is to continue allowing yourself to have a good cry whenever you need it and to lean on those that love you the most. I wish you and Nick the best. xoxo
Hi Jean,
I’ve been following you since the beginning of your YouTube days and have never commented but this is a topic that’s near and dear to my heart having been through more than a dozen miscarriages, multiple IVF rounds and finally a surrogate using our own genetics to have our miracle baby. If there’s hope for me, I truly believe you’ll also be a mom one day soon. I’d like to share an article with you about PGS testing. It’s a relatively new finding which I found very interesting. https://www.thecut.com/2017/09/ivf-abnormal-embryos-new-last-chance.html
I applaud you for being so brave and public about your process I’ve been going through IVF for 4 years and am still on that journey and similar to your last post. We had very similar drop off each time. We currently have 3 good quality, genetically tested (day 5) Blastocysts and we’re doing and ERA procedure to find the exact right day of implantation to use so we increase our chances even more. We’ve had multiple miscarriages and the last day 5 Blastocyst didn’t even get me pregnant so we’re doing as much as we can. Not that it’s what you should do but everyone’s so different so please be patient. Not only that but each cycle is different too. I’ve been talking about everything with anyone and everyone and have found that it’s way more common that women need a little help these days but many are scared or more ashamed to talk about the struggle. Just putting it out there and letting the world know it’s more common than everyone thinks helps so many. I have found that posting the trials and tribulations in my Facebook group is as supportive as your posts here and the responses you get. So hats off to you and good luck on your journey, whatever happens!
Jean,
Hello there, brave one!Reading your story reminded me of my own journey through infertility.Just as you said, I assumed it would be so easy to get pregnant.And when it didn’t happen we were shocked and heartbroken.I would cry looking at friend’s baby shower invitations.Being a pediatric surgeon and surrounded by children didn’t help the emotional situation.Plus the Asian blame game from the extended family that the stress of my career and the choice of waiting till I finished residency caused it.After several Clomid cycles, two IVF cycles, we finally got pregnant.We now have an adorable seven-year-old girl.My only advice to you is to take a mini vacation and rediscover each other.Do things that you love and make you happy, if that means being in your PJs all day long and surfing the net, so be it.Let your days not be surrounded by anticipation and fertility talk, decisions.Hoping things work out very soon.Good luck!
Jean – I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing your story. My husband and I are also dealing with infertility, and are (hopefully) going to begin IVF soon ourselves. This is all so overwhelming; I swear my emotions are all over the place and I haven’t even started yet! Every single day I find myself feeling sad that my body is so “broken”… jealous because it seems to happen so easily for everyone else… scared of the financial side of the process… and sometimes (irrationally) angry because I don’t understand why good, responsible, kind-hearted people should have to jump through all of these hoops for only a CHANCE at having a biological child. I’m sure you and Nick have had some of the same feelings, and I just want to say – I understand, and you are absolutely NOT alone.
Wishing you guys the best of fortune in this crazy journey. And thanks again for sharing; your words have helped me more than you know!
Sending lots of love and hugs to you Jean. Your last post was incredibly powerful and I can’t imagine the enormous amount of courage and faith it must have taken to share your own personal journey with everyone. As someone who has been undergoing fertility treatments myself for the past two years I am able to relate to what you have experienced . With every phone call from the nurse post all the blood work and those extremely uncomfortable ultrasounds (come on, get out of my butt already!), we feel that slimmer of hope that maybe something in our body is finally working! Then inevitably that disappointment that hits us hard, and right at the heart.. On some days the disappointment overcomes every bit of courage and whatever hope is left. Giving up seems like the only remaining option on those days…it’s not easy to endure. Throughout my journey so far my family and friends’ unwavering support and unconditional love have made it possible for me to continue down this road, to believe in myself that it is possible, that I only need to persist. Growing up I’ve always heard my parents and adults around me say “Life is not easy”, and I’ve never truly understood what they meant until now at this chapter in my life. Life has proven it definitely does not COME easy, but it is worth fighting for! so after all the tears, heartaches and ice cream – let’s try again. Three very innocent words, though embedded with so much more meaning behind it to us. Though we are but strangers, I would like to thank you for being so open and trusting in us. Your post has given me newfound strength as I’m about to go through my first IVF, and has also reminded all of us ladies that we are truly not alone. My ginormous box of meds just arrived today and I have to say it’s not pretty, but whatever it takes I will try it because it will be worth it in the end. Please keep us posted on your journey! It will happen for us! Sending baby prayers and wishing you all the best!
Best wishes to you Jean! And love your style as always
would you mind tell me your bust? I want to buy the J.crew’s double-cloth wool lady day coat, but I’m not sure of the recommendation size of the official website, thanks!
Dear Jean,
Thank You so much for your honesty and your courage to share your story. I know exactly how you feel and you found just the right words to explain how someone feels who gets through the struggle of Infertility treatments. I have a PCO Syndrome and have had a lot of treatments, but unfortunately i am a high responder and got two times the OHSS so i have had a lot of eggs, also 21, but only 2 survived the freezing. Now, after ten years of trying, i learned that life goes on, even without being a mum, but its the hardest lesson i’ve learned. So i wish Nick and you all the best and much strength to carry on. A lot of LOVE from Germany. Eva
Hi Jean, don’t do the freezing process to fresh embryos in order to get them additionally genetically tested. Because defrosting makes them very much weaker to survive (and nest). It causes a lots of unnecessary failures. The good looking FRESH embryo gets the highest chance of surviving and nesting. Sometimes doctors “over-analyze” it and it only cost extra money and do more damage.. There are tests which can be done without freezing and healthy pregnancy (once it starts) doesn’t need a super special care… I had more health problems and failures with all the unnecessary extra things than with the try which involved only the basic medication and AH (assist. hatching). I know it’s not easy to have all the advice from many strange persons and each of us has a different experience, needs, opinions, bodies…and/but we all want you to be a happy mum 😉 On the other side you can also choose not to take it or maybe you find something interesting too. The personal experience is just yours as well as the decision. I hope for you and the best. With warm regards, L.
Sending lots of love and positive vibes your way!!!!
You’re so beautiful and strong Jean! I love following your post! Please keep sharing your journey with us. Lots of prayers and hopes for you. xoxox
Love your outfits as usual ! I left a message on your initial IVF post as I’m going through the same thing where I’ll go under IVF in the next few months. Your post brought me some optimism and hope and will send good vibes your way.
Hi Jean,
Reading your posts caused a wave of emotions for me. Infertility is such a lonely, trying, life changing journey. What continues to surprise me is how common it really is – people hardly talk about it but the moment you step into a fertility clinic or read online forums, you see folks just like you – in exactly the same boat. I still found it to be singularly isolating.
My husband and I struggled to get pregnant for almost three years. Every one of those years, I naively “resolved” that this year was going to be it. This past Jan, I didn’t even try.
Here are some of the things I learned that I wanted to share:
1. Try not to raise your expectations because a friend or acquaintance got pregnant naturally, or on their first try with IVF, or from a certain medication or whatever. The brutal yet sadly, honest truth about infertility is that it is a unique journey and while its heartening to see other people succeed, it caused me more pain and hopelessness when none of these miraculous things happened to me.
2. Acknowledge that this will be mentally challenging – I fought my sense of disappointment and envy a lot, before I realized that this is my truth and we will need to figure out our own path and that its okay. If there are days you want to wallow, its okay. If there are days you want to hate other people because they got pregnant when they weren’t even trying, its okay too. Let yourself hurt and heal instead of putting too much on yourself.
3. This experience can be really tough on your marriage, not because your partner is uninvolved or uncaring, but because the poking, the body changes, the dreams, the injections post-transfers, the constant checking-of-symptoms-to-see-if-this-indicates-I’m-pregnant will be happening to YOUR BODY. My husband is the most treasured part of my life, but he just could not relate to some of these things, and they didn’t occupy his brain 24×7 like they did mine. Communicate, express your thoughts, talk. Cry. He may only be able to listen sometimes.
4. On my third transfer, I drew up a list of reasons for really wanting a baby, and a list of things we would do if we found out the cycle had failed, again. I cried MANY times as I wrote that list, but that list helped me look beyond my own circumstances and the unfortunate vortex of “lets try this new approach next cycle”. Don’t draw up that list yet, but whenever you feel extremely disappointed, remember that as hard as it may be to imagine giving up on reasons you want a baby, there is and will be gratification in life still.
I spent so much energy and mind space trying to get pregnant, that once I did get pregnant, I found out I knew next-to-nothing about what it means TO BE pregnant. How would I feel? What can or should I eat? I’m in my third trimester right now, and sometimes I still cannot believe this is happening.
Lots of love to you and Nick.
PS – The one thing I recommend doing is acupuncture. Find someone who practices holistic acupuncture and get on prescribed routine of treatments.
Hang in there. You are not alone. We’ve been going through this journey for 4 years now thousands of dollars and see no light at the end of the tunnel. They say it only takes one.
I only have one embryo left and hope to transfer it later this month. Do not get discouraged as stress plays a big role in this whole process. I know its easier said than done. Good luck and will keep our fingers crossed for you.
Jean , I have been there and know how you feel. Don’t forget dreams can come true. All the best wishes to you both💐
I had 20 and only 2 made it to day 5. I have a healthy happy 11 year old. stay strong!
So sorry you have such a disappointment. Hoping there is something there to implant and stick!
I know it may be inappropriate to follow that up with telling you how much I love your shoes, but I love your shoes!
Jean – Thank you for the update. There is so much waiting and hoping, and waiting again when it comes to the IVF journey. It only takes one – and I am praying that all 3 are viable for you. Big HUGS to the both of you.
Hi Jean, thank you for opening up about your fertility struggles. As a longtime reader I feel it’s my duty to write to you since I’ve gleaned so much great advice from your posts over the years. I think I’m your exact size so all of your recommendations have been spot-on for me! You could’ve kept your fertility struggles in the dark and only revealed positive news if/when it comes, but you chose to share with your readers and that is really generous of you. I totally agree that it’s an Asian thing to keep personal struggles private, and to maintain a picture-perfect veneer is preferred.
We went through four failed IVF cycles (all with fresh transfers on day 5) before finally being successful at the fifth try (again with fresh). I never had any left to freeze with the first four cycles, and with the last one we had one, which is still on ice now. We are blessed with a three year old boy who is the joy of our lives. I can offer a few pieces of advice, if you’re interested.
1) PSG was not recommended to us by our excellent doctors. It doesn’t improve your rate of success, and an abnormal result does not mean an abnormal baby (see recent articles other readers have linked). Fresh and frozen transfers have the same rate of success though.
2) Bed rest after transfer – I stayed in bed for several days after my last transfer, which was the one that worked. Not based on any scientific evidence, but it worked for me. I don’t think any of the other para-medical activities really helped me; I did acupuncture, vitamins, ate pineapples, tried to cook a brown chicken (advice from an asian fertility nurse) etc etc which I really felt was a waste of my time and probably made me more stressed than had I not.
3) At each step of the way, just think of your next step, just keep looking forward. It helps keep you focussed on what’s important. Don’t linger on past failures. After one transfer I had a positive hCG but it didn’t keep on doubling over the next weeks and just petered out. And another transfer ended up with a miscarriage sometime before 12 weeks – all of these cycles were so devastating. And yet, our final try after the miscarriage was the one that stuck. So you never know what’s to come, even after heartache.
4) Be with babies: somewhere on the interwebs I read that Iman became pregnant at a really late age (fertility-wise) after having held a baby for like 24 hours. Or was it Madonna. In any case, the point is to look at babies, smell them, hold them, and this might prime your body for accepting the transfer and making it stick. Again, not based on hard scientific evidence, but I’m convinced it also played a part in our success. I spent a lot of time looking at asian baby videos after my transfer, the one that worked.
5) Lean on your hubby. Total gender generalization here, but I think men tend to be more practical and less emotional than us, especially us on hormones! When it all gets muddied up in your mind, I’m sure your hubby will be able to help you see a different perspective and pull you out of the doldrums.
6) It’s all worth it in the end, no matter the outcome. If an IVF cycle fails, it is not all for naught because that cycle enabled you and your doctor to see how you responded, what worked and didn’t work, and allows you to plan your next step. Yes, it’s very costly, but it’s a priority above all else really, and you have to make it the top priority even above work, family and social obligations. It’s tough when you don’t want to reveal everything to your work colleagues and you’re constantly skipping out to another appointment, but you have to keep focussed on the primary objective, not feel guilty for rearranging your priorities so that work isn’t at the top as it is for most 20 and 30 somethings.
Again, thank you for your honesty and I would love to connect if you ever wish to chat with someone who’s been through it all. I know it’s hard to read about others’ successes, because you always have this tiny voice inside wondering whether it’ll ever be you. But rest assured that you have everything going for you – three frozen embryos is an excellent result, plus you’re young. We’re all rooting for you.
I’ve followed your blog for a long time for your style and I really appreciate you sharing your journey on the personal side. It must be one of the hardest things for a woman and a couple to go through. Sending you lots of love and keeping fingers crossed.
Hang in there..!
At the age 41, I had 2 retrievals and they could take 27 and 19 eggs . Ended 3 and 2 embryos for genetic testing and 1 and 1 came back normal.
Transferred both 2 and now I have one year old healthy boy and girl twins .
I did retrieval at the age of 41, pregnant at 42. Compared to my case, you are much younger and have better chance.
I know all the fertility process is tough and depressing … but you are not alone, all the girls here are with you!!!! xoxo
I’ve always been so inspired by your blog, but your latest posts have really made me a bigger fan of yours. Thank you for being so open and honest!!!
I will be praying for you!!!
Hi Jean,
I wish you the best of luck. I read all your blog comments as well, as I have been trying for 4 years, and it gives me comfort still to hear all the stories.
Even though embryos aren’t the issue, we have had many other failures, and at this point I have decided whatever is meant to be is meant to be.
We are trying surrogacy for now and I have decided no more IVF for me, and adoption is an option as well.
The best advice I can give you is go with your gut, everything else will fall into place, and try to have a life outside of all of this if you can.
Its ok Jean…for us, out of 14 eggs harvested, only 4 fertilized and only 1 made it thru genetic testing. And now, I have a beautiful baby boy 🙂
I know it is extremely disappointing and disheartening to hear such news, because I too cried when I heard the results. But happy endings do happen, and I pray they happen for you and Nick!
You have so many people rooting for you. So, so many. I am praying for you.
Stay strong. I am a 7-time IVF veteran. I never got more than FIVE eggs in any one retrieval. Despite only having two or less embryos (some with such terrible quality they had no chance!) to transfer each time, thankfully two became my miracles. Believe.
Hi Jean, stay strong! Keeping you and Nick in my prayers, I know one day it will all workout! Don’t loose hope.
Thank you again for sharing. Please remember that it only takes one 🙂
Best wishes to you Jean! I know from personal experience that having your body not functioning how you need it to is supremely frustrating. I hope that your doctor is working with you and share your goals and that you have a good support network. I’m glad that you are sharing your story on your blog in spite of the difficulties.
Thank you for sharing your story. IVF is roller coaster of emotion but hang in there. Some day you will share this story with your children and they will know how much they were loved.
It took us 6 rounds of IVF, 4 years, 100k, an extended medical leave, and the life changing generosity of an altruistic surrogate to have our twins. It’s hard to explain the pain and effort of all the “small” things that add up. We had garbage bags of medications and needles at the end. It’s so very hard but the upside is the connections that can be made with people going through the same stuff. I appreciate the privilege of being able to do this crazy process that so many people can’t accesss or afford. I’m hoping for you that all this will be a memory sooner rather than later and will bring you the result you want.