Someone requested I write about my most and least favorite fashions for women. Great idea! I'm going to focus on the latter.
Maybe you saw Jean's recent photo of Stuart Weitzman boots. Or maybe you remember when I showed a liking for well-broken-in Tory Burch Revas. These are two of my all-time favorite looks. Actually, no, let's call them favorite pieces. Because they look pretty good, but—more importantly—they're functional. And the main function in this case is being able to use your feet in the way for which they've been biologically evolved.
|In the immortal words of Jessica Simpson, "These boots are made for walking."|
So, if one of my favorite aspects of women's fashion is stylish flat-soled footwear, you might be able to guess one of my least favorites.
There is no greater burden to the urban-dwelling man than a pair of expensive high heels.
The type doesn't matter—pumps, stilettos, platforms, wedges (although Jean adorably calls these her "walking shoes") whatever—every high-heeled shoe abides by this universal law: the more the shoe costs, the slower the lady walks.
|"Let's put skinny sticks under our feet. That'll look hot!" -Inventor of High Heels|
Now, don't get me wrong, heels feed into the whole look good, feel good mentality for a woman, so I guess that's a plus. But in the midst of a night on the town, it can be hard to see the bright side. For instance, consider this completely fictitious scenario where I'm about to take a step and...
"You're walking too fast."
Or when we're standing in a packed bar with no chairs in sight…
"I have to sit down."
Or going to a restaurant right above the subway stop...
"We have to take a cab."
Then to the bar around the corner…
Along a cobblestone sidewalk...
"I'm just going to walk in the middle of the road."
And then, at the very end of the night, when I've had about all I can take...
"Hold on while I change into these other shoes I have in my purse."
This is the part where I think to myself, "WHAT?! You had flats in your purse the whole time?! Why didn't you just wear those?"
"Oh, nevermind they're in my other bag. I'll just go barefoot."
While I've never witnessed Jean trotting around the city barefoot, I have stood on the curb at the end of many nights bewildered at the lengths women will go to simply for the appearance of longer legs. But despite all of this, I must also commend you. Because not only do men tolerate high heels, we often encourage them. Why? Because, damn, they look good. And maybe that's the lesson in all of this, if there even is one. Do whatever makes you feel good because ultimately if you're happy, we're happy. Just as long as you promise to never wear these:
|Offensive, and not just to PETA.|
[Note: The author is aware Nancy Sinatra sung the original. Jessica Simpson + Immortal = Sarcasm.]